


Skinny Love

by MarshmallowMcGonagall



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aurors, Azkaban, Casual Sex, Curses, Death Eaters, F/M, Friendship, Grief, Healing, Heavy Angst, Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Pregnancy, Sickness, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-23 08:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 39,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23275138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmallowMcGonagall/pseuds/MarshmallowMcGonagall
Summary: The seasons change and with them a relationship which neither side can define. Fleeting encounters, enduring curses, surviving a war. After the Battle of Hogwarts, true allegiances come to light, and life is irrevocably altered. There is also the small matter of the Death Eater, soon to be released from Azkaban, who doesn't know he's a father.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 25
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The writer can have a little angst. As a treat.
> 
> This was an idea I couldn't shake and it truly will be quite a short multi-chapter. The title "Skinny Love" is a (very direct!) reference to the song "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver which was the main inspiration for the fic. Anyway, onwards to the story!
> 
> The wonderful [madfantasy](https://madfantasy.tumblr.com/) created the incredible illustration “Heal Her” of a scene from Chapter 2. The art can be found [here](https://madfantasy.tumblr.com/post/629062661154422784/sntonks).

**1996 - summer**

The sharp knock at the door stirred Tonks from something which resembled sleep and she mumbled, “Come in.”

Snape walked in, closing the door behind him and casting simple wards and silencing charms. This was the third day of his visits to work on curses she sustained during her latest mission for the Order. He put more potions on the table beside the bed and in the sunlight which filtered through the half-closed curtains, she watched him stand, arms crossed, while she woke fully.

She knew hours had passed. The sun had set and risen. Recovery was nothing new. Recovering without Sirius was. Each injury brought a hangover drenched in remembering he wasn’t there when she came around.

Remus returned to Lupin Cottage with Tonks once she was able to leave St Mungo's after the attack on the Ministry. Tonks lost her cousin. Remus lost his other half. And when neither were working or on missions for the Order, their hours together were disproportionately quieter. Sirius was one person but both lost him. Different versions of him no longer treading the floorboards in the dead of night to jump on her bed and ask about gossip at the Ministry or to be led to bed by a blushing Remus. The Sirius who yelled at Kreacher was missing along with the Sirius who ran to save Harry from Voldemort. Remus still functioned. Still did as the Order asked. Survived two transformations since the Battle of the Department of Mysteries. Tonks was cursed twice and survived. They survived together. A friendship which didn’t need strengthening was forged anew by Sirius’s death.

Tonks stretched and winced. Rolling onto her back, she rubbed her face and stared at the ceiling. Since she joined the Order of the Phoenix, Snape was called upon with increasing frequency to put her back together. An Auror and a metamorphmagus, she knew she could do what many couldn’t. She wanted to be useful and did as requested. Snape healed Tonks’s wounds caused by Dark Magic and the Order sent her out again. The cycle repeated itself and she collected scars with a vigour which only increased in the wake of Sirius’s death. Even when they were all alive and in Grimmauld Place, Remus would try to have conversations with Snape outside Tonks’s bedroom door, everyone knowing she could hear. All but her hoping she might change course on her desire to collect obscure scars as she attempted to do everything in her power then more. She wondered if Remus would try again when Snape was done with her for the day. In his visits to heal the curse which left deep purple lines across her belly, only once had he mentioned that she might choose to be more careful in future. She knew then his fellow Death Eaters had managed to hit her with something worse than usual.

Turning her head, she saw him standing, arms crossed, a few feet from the bed. He arched an eyebrow. She pushed her hair from her face then pulled her top up over her belly and her pyjamas down to her hips. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers over the marks still crisscrossing her skin. His touch was light and a moment later his wand was barely an inch from her as he murmured words too softly for her to catch.

When she winced, he looked up at her and she shook her head. Potions to ease the pain and discomfort would only inhibit her healing and, regardless, the work he needed to do wasn’t going to be quick. She wouldn’t draw it out longer and she had refused so often he had stopped offering. He raised his wand when she forced herself to take deeper breaths. Screwing up her eyes, she knew the worst was yet to come as he drew the Dark Magic out of her. Though she didn’t recognise the words, she already knew the pattern of his voice when it came to dealing with this curse, knew he was about to hit the - 

Yelping in pain, she pulled up her knees. His arm was firm against her legs and held them back. The first time it happened, he stopped and let her curl up on herself, which meant starting over from the beginning. She told him to stop her if she did it again. Panting from the waves of pain surging through her body, her legs strained against his arm though he was unmoved and his concentration didn’t waver. Her hands entangled in her hair, fingers digging into her head, she tried to swallow the cry which threatened to spill from her lips.

Then his arm was no longer against her legs and his hand was on her belly. Opening her eyes, she saw him watching her, the curiosity in his gaze as he no doubt waited to see if she would have a delayed reaction. He’d once commented on her tendency towards encores. She had sworn at him then apologised when she threw up a few minutes later. Slowly her legs sank back to the bed and her arms fell against the pillow. A shiver raced through her and she groaned. Beneath his hand she felt her breathing begin to steady.

“You did well,” he said.

She managed a weak smile and more tension left her. “How much longer?” 

“A few days,” he said, with the flash of an apologetic smile. They both knew she ought to have been at St Mungo's. They both knew the Order’s reasons for keeping her at Lupin Cottage. “Same potions as yesterday. Take them all.” 

His hand barely moved from her belly when she stopped him.

In amongst the chaos, his gentle touch was an unexpected relief. Never firmer than need be when at her request he held her back. He didn’t condemn her when she threw up as he drew Dark Magic from her. He waited patiently when she was rendered slower by pain and repeated questions without sneering when he tried to find out how she ended up on the wrong end of another Death Eater’s wand.

She traced the topography of his hand with her fingertips. His expression was indecipherable and she knew she risked losing herself in his dark eyes. His hand anchoring her to the bed, he didn’t resist when she took his wrist and guided his hand further up her body. Inch by inch, her soft skin being touched in a way it hadn’t been for too long. She tried not to think about how she had never really known a touch which was patient and gentle from someone who -

She swallowed and bit her lip but didn’t stop.

Years of throwing up, crying, kicking, and still he healed her with kindness in his touch. Her plan for what she was doing started when her fingers touched his wrist. She didn’t know what his reaction would be. She just knew she wanted to keep his hand on her for a little longer. And still not a word between them or a suggestion of stopping. Gazes fixed on each other. Bringing his hand up to her breast, her breathing finally faltered when he brushed his thumb across her nipple. He turned and pulled away the moment she let go of him and she rushed to grab him, to pull him closer again, only to lose her grip and gasp in pain. 

“Be careful,” he said, quietly. 

“Help me up,” she said, reaching out with aching arms.

His arm around her waist, he helped her up as she moved to sit beside him. Against each other, holding each other, making no moves to find distance.

“Snape, I - ”

“Severus.” The side of his mouth pulled up with the hint of a smile.

“Severus.” She searched his face as she tried to adjust to the feel of his name on her lips. “Severus.”

“Tonks - ”

“I - I'm Nymphadora.” She winced, then said in a rush, “Please don’t call me Nymphadora.” 

His low laugh was intoxicating and she laughed with him. A thrill tearing through her, she leaned closer and caught his amusements with her lips. A moment’s hesitation and he responded in kind. Her hands grasping his robes, she pulled herself closer still. His free hand tangled in her hair and he deepened the kiss. They broke apart when she began to wince from pain.

“You’re still healing,” he murmured, his lips by her ear, and she moaned for a reason that was distinctly not about pain.

“You want to,” she braved, when he didn’t stop her hand drifting down his body.

“I will see you tomorrow.” Turning away, he got up, found his things, and left the room without a backward glance. 

She watched him leave, her hands in her lap, and no words eager to leap from her lips. He was efficient in his departure and once the door was closed behind him, she crawled back under the blankets. Curling up, she watched the doorway until sleep took her. 

When Remus checked on Tonks, he gave her each vial and rubbed her back when she downed the potions, tucking her up in bed again when she was done. Too tired to talk, when he stroked her cheek, she kissed his hand.

When Snape returned the next day, Tonks was curled up under the blankets again. She measured time in pain. Pain which undulated as potions took effect and wore off. Pain which eased with glacial speed now a little more Dark Magic had been wrought from her body. Drifting in and out of daydreams, she replayed the fight which landed her back in bed, and knew she wouldn’t have made different decisions a second time round.

The closest either of them came to acknowledging what occurred the previous day was when Tonks’s hand lingered a moment too long on Snape when she reached out to steady herself.

Before she could consider his words were edging closer to the moment which would cause a surge of pain, she was overwhelmed by a wave of queasiness. He stopped when she grabbed for his hand, her wide-eyed panic and the sudden clamminess all the suggestion he needed to summon the basin which sat on a nearby chair. Leaning against him, she clutched the basin to her body while he stroked her back and she brought up what little was in her stomach.

“Do you want me to get Remus?” he asked, quietly.

She shook her head then vomited again.

“You can go if you want,” she said, a few minutes later, her voice rough. Her head was splitting and the room was close to spinning. She groaned and continued to retch until her body conceded defeat and eased up its rebellion.

“There’s your healing to continue.” He conjured a glass of water and handed it to her before vanishing the contents of the basin. “It will be worse tomorrow if you delay though I can appreciate why you might desire a break.”

Tonks sipped at the water and put the basin on the floor, mumbling thanks to Snape when he stopped her toppling to the floor. Resting her head on his shoulder, she made slow progress with the water, ignoring how her stomach ached at the cool intrusion. She handed him the glass then carefully lowered herself back on the bed. He put the glass on the floor and rolled his wand in both hands.

“I’m ready,” she said, shifting her pyjamas away from her belly and bringing her arms above her head.

She closed her eyes, heard him sigh, and tried to lose herself in his words. When the moment came, as she knew it would, for the pain to surge through her, she screwed her eyes up as her legs slammed against his arm. A whimper slipped from her lips and she kept her arms over her face, not wanting to see the way he looked at her as his murmured incantations crept closer to the end. When he was done, she lowered her arms. His hand still on her belly, thumb stroking back and forth, he waited for her to meet his gaze before taking his hand from her.

“Wait a couple of hours before taking the potions.” He stood up and lifted the blankets back over her. “They’ll do little good if you throw them up.”

“Thank you,” she said, softly, when he was about to open the door.

He turned back to look at her and his mouth pulled up in a sad smile. “Take all the potions.” Then he was gone. 

Remus knocked on the door a few minutes later and she told him to come in. He crouched down beside the bed and stroked her cheek. 

“I’m fine,” she said. “Another day or two and I’ll be back out there.”

“That’s what worries me,” said Remus.

Tonks patted the mattress beside her and Remus kicked off his shoes then climbed into bed. Her head on his chest, he stroked her hair and she gave herself over to the clawing need to sleep, happy to be lulled by the sound of his heartbeat.

She knew Snape’s visits were coming to an end when the pain was little more than discomfort and a need to breathe deeply. On the last day, she heard the change in his words, knew her body responded differently, ached with relief when the last of the Dark Magic was banished. No matter the curse, the feeling of being free was the same.

His hand didn’t linger on her. They both knew there was no more damage to assess, no recovery to observe. He rose from the bed and she scrambled up from where she lay, stumbling in her haste to follow him. He caught her and she leant against him.

“I’m healed,” she said.

“Barely,” he said, as if begging her to reconsider. He brushed loose strands of hair from her face. She pressed her lips to his and he indulged her for a moment before pulling away. “How strong do you feel?”

“Strong enough for this,” she said. She pressed her lips to his jaw. “You know they throw me back into the field as soon as you’re done with me.”

He rested his forehead against hers. “You would suffer less if you had any sense of self-preservation.”

She stepped back and took his hand in hers. When the bed was against the back of her legs, she stopped, and he came to a halt inches from her. She pulled off her top and threw it on a chair, then pushed her pyjama bottoms down and kicked them aside. She took his hands in hers again and placed them on her waist. The whole time she had been undressing, he hadn’t taken his eyes from her and when she met his dark gaze, she closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his. 

“Patience,” he said, his lips brushing hers.

“No.”

She sat on the bed, moving back until she was in the middle. A glance at the door and she stretched to grab her wand. Wards and silencing charms strengthened, she put her wand back. He knelt between her legs and she undid his robes, pushing them aside before her fingers made quick work of his belt. When she freed him from his trousers, she lay back, her hand on his shirt pulling him towards her. Her feet slipped beneath his robes and she wrapped her legs around him, ignoring the heavy fabric which rubbed against her.

He kissed her collarbone, then her neck, eliciting small moans from her as she ran her fingers through his hair. When he deigned to kiss her again, she was whimpering in anticipation of him, of how he was keeping himself just out of reach until she deepened the kiss and he closed the distance.

She knew better than to expect him to stay longer than it took him to sort his clothing, though he conceded to letting her hold onto him while she pulled her pyjamas back on. Conceded to her request of one more kiss. Then he was gone and she climbed back into bed. Curling up as tightly as she could, her thoughts strayed back to him. The next day she would be on another mission for the Order. How long until she was injured again? She wanted to see him. She didn’t want Dark Magic to be the reason. 

When Remus knocked on the door and Tonks invited him in, she saw him work to hide his confusion, the slight uncertainty as he took her in. He closed the door behind himself and crossed the room, his gaze drifting around the bed while a soft frown played on his features.

“I’m back out tomorrow, aren’t I?” she said.

“Yes.” He sighed. “Yes, and I will be, too.” 

He tried to smile and rubbed his jaw. 

“Get into bed, Remus.”

He didn’t hesitate and after shuffling around of pillows, blankets, and themselves, they settled down against each other. His hesitation came in the deep breaths which tripped over at each attempt to make words. She knew he was trying to give his usual speech about being careful when she went on her mission. She wriggled so that her head was comfortable on his shoulder. He sighed deeply and moved so that he could get his arms around her properly. He was undeniably alive and she fell asleep unable to shake the feeling that they would both be better off going into hiding and not coming out until the war was over. She knew they would both leave come the morning, knew they wouldn’t let their goodbyes admit to the possibility they might not be coming home again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wonderful [madfantasy](https://madfantasy.tumblr.com/) created the incredible illustration “Heal Her” for a scene from this chapter. The art can be found [here](https://madfantasy.tumblr.com/post/629062661154422784/sntonks).

**1996 - autumn**

Snape leant against the doorframe and knocked on the open door. Tonks glanced at him before looking back at the fire. He walked in and stopped by the bed. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and one of her legs raised up on pillows. He looked her up and down then took a vial from the pocket of his robes and handed it to her.

“Drink this,” he said.

Tonks turned the vial around, tipping it in different directions and watching the dark red liquid slosh against the glass. 

“Now.”

She shot him a glare, unstoppered the vial, and knocked back the Blood-Replenishing Potion pulling a face as she did so. She thrust the vial back at him, pulled the blanket closer around herself, and crossed her arms.

“You’re a mess.”

“Thanks,” she said. “I know.”

There was a thick green and purple streak trailing from her ankle up to her thigh. When Remus helped ease the burned and shredded trousers from her, he winced at the sight beneath. Someone else tried to heal the cursed wound while she lay on the sodden ground near the destroyed building. Superficially her leg looked better as a result. But now the curse was trapped deeper than before.

Snape walked away, stopping when Tonks said his name. The reluctant question falling from her lips as to what he was doing. He left the room without answering and returned a few minutes later with Remus.

“What’s going on?” she asked, when Remus sat down beside her and put his arms, albeit gently, around her.

“I need you to keep still,” said Snape, sitting down by her feet and placing his hand around her ankle, pinning it to the bed. “Ready?”

Tonks turned her head away from both men.

Before Snape could utter more than a few words, Tonks was struggling against Snape and Remus who increased their hold on her. Her whimpers became agonised whines. Remus tried to whisper small encouragements to her and she swore at him as she grabbed fistfuls of bedding and pushed against Snape with the foot he wasn’t holding down.

The pain stabilised for a moment when Snape said, “If you don’t stop, I will have to knock you out or leave.” He took his hand from her ankle and rubbed his forehead.

Remus relaxed his hold on Tonks so he could stroke her arms and she tried to scramble up, only to fall from the bed, a haggard scream forced from her as her leg hit the floorboards. Her head on her arms, she put her weight on her other knee, trying to keep her wounded leg from the floor. Her screams turned to sobs when Remus put his hands on her waist.

“They weren’t meant to die,” she croaked.

Remus lifted her up and she sagged against him when he cradled her in his lap. Snape guided her leg into an easier position and he stroked the top of her foot while Remus kissed her head and wrapped his arms around her.

"I tried, I - " 

She buried her face in Remus’s chest and she cried into his shirt. The grip of both men kept her shaking to a minimum. Snape worked quietly, his soft words touching the edges of her distress, giving her a flicker of something to hold onto while Remus held her close.

Tonks sniffed and wiped her face with her hands. Snape caught her gaze as she watched him smooth Dittany over her leg.

Remus eased up from the bed and pulled more pillows around Tonks to prop her up. He kissed her cheek and told her he would be back in a moment. He left the room and her gaze returned to Snape, watching him work the Dittany around her ankle. She wiggled her toes and he stroked her foot.

"Thank you," she said, quietly.

He rose and took the few steps around the bed until he was standing beside her. She looked up and leant into his touch when he brushed his fingers along her jaw. He paused when Remus’s footsteps signalled his return. Snape crossed his arms and walked across the room.

"Tea," said Remus, when he came in carrying a mug.

Snape looked away as Remus handed Tonks the mug. 

"You've spiked it," stated Tonks, bluntly. She looked down at the steaming mug in her hands.

Snape glanced at her, an apologetic smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. Remus swore under his breath and muttered something about Aurors.

"You need to sleep," said Remus. "Snape agrees."

"Traitor," she muttered.

An unexpected anger flashed across Snape's features and he left the room.

Tonks downed the too hot tea and gave Remus back the mug. Her body was already growing heavy as he took it. She sunk back against the pillows, vaguely aware of Remus lifting blankets over her.

Remus stroked her cheek and she closed her eyes. She heard him go out onto the landing.

"She drank it all?" said Snape. 

"If someone could drink tea angrily, she just tried," said Remus. "But yes, all of it."

"She should be sound for the night then," said Snape. "For Merlin's sake, don't let them send her out until she can bear weight without pain. Even if she says she's okay.”

Remus made a sound of resigned agreement. "You don't need to come back tomorrow?"

“I’ve done what I can and I don't think my presence would be welcomed anyway,” said Snape. “I'll send more Blood-Replenishing Potion by owl. Make sure she takes it.”

The slowly quietening voice in her head tried to say sorry but a deep exhale was all that she could summon. She was failing everywhere. She hadn't meant to send him away.

The Dreamless Sleep loosened the little grasp Tonks had on consciousness and she slid into a deep sleep, the pain of Snape’s departure dissolving along with everything else.

When Tonks woke, it was with the strange empty feeling which always followed taking Dreamless Sleep. When she tried to get up out of bed she remembered why. She picked up her wand and lit the lamps. Tracing the edges of the healing wound on her thigh, she could hear the Muggleborns over the birdsong from the garden, could see them as clearly as if they were on the floor in front of her.

"Remus," she called, her voice rough from sleep.

He appeared in the doorway a moment later. She held out her hands and looked up at him, her eyes shining. He strode across the room and sank onto the bed, easing her onto his lap. He pulled the blankets around them both and held her while she cried.


	3. Chapter 3

**1996/1997 - winter**

Tonks pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed before looking back at the blank parchment in front of her. The quill bounced in her fingers, the edges of the feather hitting the table, and still she hadn’t written a word.

The staircase creaked as Remus walked downstairs and Tonks left the quill and parchment on the kitchen table then went into the hallway.

“You’re really okay with me going?” said Remus, swinging his cloak around his shoulders and doing up the fixings. He crossed his arms and looked Tonks up and down. She had retreated to her pyjamas without a second thought when she realised she wasn’t going anywhere for a couple of days.

“And deny Molly the chance to worry about you?” Tonks tugged the sleeves of her cardigan down and wrapped her arms around herself. “I didn’t even know I would be home until last night.”

“But it’s Christmas Eve.”

“And there are mince pies in the cupboard,” said Tonks. “So long as you don’t expect any of them to be here when you get back then we’re fine.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“You’ll be back after Molly has stuffed you full of Christmas Dinner.”

“And you - ”

“Will be okay.” She stepped closer and pulled up the hood of Remus’s cloak. “Might go to mum and dad’s.”

“Tonks - ”

“Honestly, Remus,” she said, “the chance to sleep and not do anything for a couple of days is the biggest break I’ve had in months and I didn’t even need to get cursed for it to happen.”

“Just owl me,” said Remus, “send your Patronus, tell me if you need me.”

“I always need you,” she said, smiling. She kissed his cheek then went to the front door. “And now I need you to go to the Burrow because you’re going to get a better dinner there than you’ll ever get here.”

The front door open, snow swirled in the darkness beyond, the flurries nearest them glowing in the lamplight which strayed outside. The sun had set a couple of hours before. Tonks held her cardigan close again and huddled beside the door. Remus leant closer and kissed her cheek. 

“Love you,” he said.

“Love you, too.”

Tonks lingered at the door long enough to see Remus walk beyond the wards and they waved to each other before he Disapparated. Tonks closed the door and wandered back to the kitchen. She picked up the quill and wrote a short note which she took through to the small laundry room at the back of the cottage where their owl was half-asleep on its perch. 

“Just a short trip this time,” she said, stroking the owl who didn’t look convinced.

She tied the letter to the owl’s leg and opened the back door to find the flurries of snow becoming a blizzard. Once the owl was gone, Tonks kept herself busy in the laundry room until the owl returned with a note from her parents sending their love. With treats given to the owl, Tonks went to the living room with a detour via the kitchen for mince pies.

There had been no answer to the carefully written note she sent late the night before and she tried to push aside the feelings of foolishness as she ate the mince pies. Brushing the icing sugar off her fingers onto her pyjamas, she settled on the old sofa and pulled a blanket over her lap. Even with the roaring fire there was still the hint of a chill about the cottage. She picked up her book, slipped her fingers between the pages parted by the bookmark, and rested the old hardback on her lap. Though her attention kept wandering to the late night note, she made her way through two chapters at a gentle pace and was about to start a third when there was a sharp knock at the front door. She startled at the sound and looked up at the clock to see it was almost midnight. The book put face down on the coffee table and the blanket pushed off her lap, she got up and went through to the hallway.

The lamps extinguished, the better to see in the dark, and her wand in hand, she unlocked the door. Hinges creaking, she opened the door a fraction. The moonlight which fought through the thick cloud caught the edges of his cloak and the snow which gusted through the garden. She invited him in, then closed the door. He’d received her letter, then.

“Bedroom?” she suggested.

He raised an eyebrow and her cheeks burned gently as she held out her hand. When his hand took hers, she glanced up and smiled, biting her lip when she saw his quiet amusement. She ducked her head and led him upstairs to her room. He closed the door behind them, casting wards and silencing charms.

“Really?” she said, putting her wand on the chest of drawers.

“Force of habit.” He leant against the door and lowered the hood of his heavy black travelling cloak.

The firelight was all that lit the room, and though the fire was smaller than the one she had spent the rest of the evening curled up near, she didn’t feel cold as she undressed. Her clothes on the armchair, she walked the few steps back to him. He hadn’t moved and she hadn’t missed him watching her. She undid his cloak and robes, pushing them over his shoulders straight onto the floor. She was making her way down the buttons on his shirt when he leaned closer and pressed his lips to her jaw.

Weeks of stolen moments which rarely exceeded an hour and now a night to themselves. Tonks paused, her hands slipping beneath Snape’s shirt, and she moaned softly as his hands pressed into the small of her back. She risked a glance at him, her uncertainty coalescing in a shiver down her spine. He held her closer and leant down to kiss her shoulder. His fingers traced up her spine, but still his lips had yet to meet hers. She wriggled free of his hold and sunk to her knees. Her hands stopped on his belt, the metal buckle clinking as she slipped the leather strap loose. His trousers undone and pulled down, she licked her lips before taking him in her mouth. She wondered how she had come to the conclusion she wasn’t going to cave to the desire to have his lips on hers. She wanted to make him beg for her kiss. She wanted to try.

Inch by inch, she had to resist the urge to pull away, stand up, and kiss him. His hands in her hair, she listened to his heavy breathing as she kept each touch of her tongue slow and the hold of her fingers firm.

One of his hands drifted to her cheek and he said her name with the hint of a warning.

She pulled back, her tongue exploring each inch anew, her fingers flexing gently with each whisper of a moan from him.

"Tonks." The warning in his tone was fiercer.

She sat back on her ankles and licked her lips. "Yes?" 

He kicked off his boots and pushed his trousers aside as he finished undressing.

Were there more than a worn rug covering the floorboards in front of the fire, Tonks would have lain down, but she got up and went to the bed. He followed her and before she could climb onto the bed, his hands on her hips held her back. Her breath caught as his arms slid around her body. Her back against his chest, she huffed when he kissed her neck.

In the warm glow of the firelight there was still something different from before. The shadows deeper since she called him a traitor. Twice they’d slept together since then. And still there was something different. Something between need and want. Between trust and compromise.

“I’m sorry,” she said. The words had been lingering on the tip of her tongue for weeks. “I’m sorry I called you a traitor.”

It should have been a throwaway comment but the look of betrayal in his features haunted her. Even more so because she could see it lingering in the depths of his dark eyes every time since. Even in the moments when they yielded to temptation and kissed as if nothing had happened. But she could feel the difference.

His grip on her tightened. “Are you sure?”

“No.” Her laugh sank into a moan. “You teamed up with Remus to give me Dreamless Sleep.” One of his hands drifted up to her breasts while the other gripped her waist as his arm wrapped around her. Her hands brushing past her hair, she reached back to touch his face and he kissed her fingers. She sighed. “You left.”

“You didn’t look pleased to see me, and that was before I even started healing you,” he said. “I didn’t think my presence was going to be welcomed again so soon.”

“It was a bad mission.” She turned around and he loosened his hold on her until she was facing him.

“You did the best you could,” he said, quietly, searching her eyes. 

“You’re not a traitor.”

“What do you want?” He pushed her hair from her face, and his thumb brushed her lips.

She leaned closer and his thumb pressed against her lips for a moment. 

“My apology to be accepted?” she suggested.

“No,” he said, as if he didn't believe her.

His fingers traced her lips, the line of her jaw, the curve of her neck.

“I want you, Severus.” She sat down and lay back on the thick duvet. She rested her feet on his body and looked at the scars which cut across him. Dark Magic everywhere and she had seen little more than hints of it before tonight. He stroked her legs. She stretched and he gripped her ankles. She considered him. "Yes?"

He shook his head and took her proffered hand, letting her pull him closer. She wrapped her legs around him and he put his hands on either side of her, sinking into the mattress.

"Kiss me, Severus,” she beseeched, though her words were almost lost to the blizzard raging outside the cottage and the fire roaring beyond the bed.

He smirked and she pressed her feet into his back. 

Leaning closer, he kissed her shoulder. She swore, moaned his name, and took his face in her hands. She met his gaze which was darker than any of the shadows around them. Her words were lost to a whimper as he closed the distance and she arched her back. 

"Severus - " She tried to speak but succumbed to soft moans, then laughed despite herself. "Kiss me, please kiss me."

He obliged her with his lips on hers, a kiss she deepened with a strange flutter of wondering if he would allow her to, even as he moved to elicit pleasure from her, sending waves of tense ecstasy through her body. She ran her hands through his hair, and basked in each kiss, each moment his lips were on her body, each surge of pleasure he brought her. And still there was an uncertainty she couldn’t escape, an uncertainty she thought might change into a storm at any moment, lingering like clouds on the horizon. 

"How long can you stay?" she asked, as she curled up against him, as if she could keep him there with her.

"Until morning." 

She ignored that it was already the early hours. Ignored that she might wake up alone anyway. Heads on pillows, they watched each other and she traced lines on his face. His hand stroked her thigh where her leg was over his. In the flickering firelight and under the heavy duvet and blankets, she tried to keep sleep at bay but couldn’t.

She woke in almost complete darkness, confused for a moment as to why she was naked in bed with Remus. Then the night came back. She stretched gently and found her wand, casting a spell to stoke the fire before putting her wand back. This was a man whose black hair had fallen across his face, whose scars told a different story. Glancing at the clock above the fireplace, she saw there were still hours until sunrise. Her hand drifted to where his hand was on her belly, and she sank back against the pillows. She wondered how he could look tense in sleep, and watched him while the blizzard still raged outside.

“Happy Christmas,” she whispered, when he opened his eyes. The butterflies in her stomach both confused and enthralled her.

He blinked slowly, and his gaze met hers. She pushed his hair from his face, and he leaned across the pillows to kiss her, his hand stroking her belly as she deepened the kiss. His hand drifted lower until he was between her legs. She didn’t need to guide him but she kept her hand on his, savouring each movement of his fingers beneath hers. 

While she caught her breath, he stroked her thigh and kissed her shoulder.

"Happy Christmas," he murmured. 

She laughed before sighing contentedly. She nudged him until he rolled onto his back then she straddled him.

His fingers pressed into her hips and she leaned closer. She moved to take him slowly, delighting in the sounds she elicited from him. When she pressed her lips to his, he deepened the kiss, and her body ran with a new tension. She lifted her hips and lowered herself onto him again and again at her leisure. He had made her wait, and she returned the favour with exquisite deliberation. He didn’t try to hasten her.

Tonks walked into the bedroom, eager to get back in the cosy bed, only to find Snape dressed and standing in front of the fire. He had been half-asleep in bed when she left for the bathroom.

He was waiting with his arms crossed. He even had his cloak on. There wasn’t a trace of guilt in his features.

“You need to leave,” she said, unable to suppress a shiver, and he nodded. 

She could feel him watching her as she pulled on her pyjamas and cardigan. She went to the bed where she put on her fluffy socks, then grabbed her wand. She paused and rubbed at her eyes. Her body swirled with confusion. When she stood, he uncrossed his arms and his posture eased. She glanced at him as she left the room, lighting the lamps as she went, and he followed her downstairs.

The fire in the living room had burned out and there was a chill slithering through the cottage. They came to a halt by the front door in the small hallway. Tonks wrapped her cardigan close around her, pulling the sleeves over her hands. 

“Maybe we can do this again?” she braved. “More nights?”

“Nothing can come of this, Tonks.”

He hadn’t raised his wand, hadn’t hexed her, and still there were aftershocks reverberating through her body from an impact she hadn’t seen coming.

Nothing could come of this? Her body was still buzzing from him. Still tingling with magic that danced across her skin. 

She opened the door and a blast of cold air rushed into the cottage bringing with it a small flurry of snow. She could still feel him on her body. She didn’t want him to touch her. Except - 

He pulled up his hood and stepped into the dark.

“Have a safe journey,” she heard herself say. 

She didn’t know if her voice was lost in the blizzard or if he was choosing to ignore her. He disappeared into the darkness with ease and she could see only the suggestion of him walking away. Then he was through the boundaries. She missed the turn he made, and heard only the crack of Disapparition. 

Tonks was dozing on the sofa when Remus returned, the creak of the front door waking her up. His cloak thunked against the wall as he put it away and his boots clattered on the floor. She rubbed her neck as she sat up.

“I’m in here,” she called, when she heard him head towards the kitchen.

When he came into the living room he stoked the fire while she pulled her legs up to make space for him on the sofa.

“You okay?” he said, sitting down beside her.

“I read and I slept and didn’t do much else,” she said, summoning what energy she could in the hope she might seem genuine. “I am more than okay.”

“Any mince pies left?”

“Not a single one.” She grinned unrepentantly. 

“Well, Molly sent me back with a care package including leftovers and mince pies,” he said, “and I think she may even have snuck some Firewhisky in there, too.”

“How was it?”

“Molly was barking up the wrong tree again, and Harry is worried about Snape and Draco.” Remus tilted his head and frowned gently at her reaction. He nudged her foot. “What are you thinking?”

“Harry has always been suspicious of them,” she said, shrugging. She crossed and uncrossed her arms. “Is Molly really still barking up that tree?”

“With more enthusiasm than Sirius left in charge of planning Christmas”

Remus’s tight smile disappeared behind his hand and he closed his eyes. Tonks slung the blanket around them both and he leant against her as she held him close. She pressed her lips to his hair and he buried his face against her shoulder. They slid down a little way and he wrapped his arms around her. She stroked his back while he cried, heaving sobs breaking through from time to time, while she sniffed and pawed at her eyes. Sirius should have been there. And instead there were leftovers, an empty stocking hanging by the fire, and rumours which attempted to erase his place in Remus’s life.

Tonks was lying in bed, topless, and on her front. Remus told her when Snape would be arriving and she had no desire to drag out their time together. She had endured worse curses, she thought, as she buried her face in the pillow and tried to breathe through another surge of pain which flowed from her spine. He would come to cottage, heal her, and - 

“Ready?”

His voice set off fireworks inside her, and the tensions collided with the curse, causing her to wince and groan.

“This is going to be worse than usual,” he cautioned, “and the pain will come in waves.”

“Get on with it,” she snapped, her face still turned towards the pillow.

He cast wards and silencing charms, then she heard his measured footsteps cross the room, and felt the mattress move as he sat near her. She huffed at the pain the small movement in the bed provoked. 

As soon as he began the incantations, the pain intensified rapidly and she bit the pillow. Her muffled scream still filled the room. Without meaning to, she kicked him, her foot smacking against his body as a wave of pain threatened to consume her but his words didn’t pause and her pain continued to increase with the agony of receding only to rush back. Her screams gave way to harsh sobs. Waves? This was an ocean on top of her and still the fire in her spine wasn’t extinguished and seemed only to burn deeper. Her ribs became worse with each breath and she thought her shoulders might shatter.

“Stop,” she begged.

The incantations stopped immediately. The pain ebbed but she could feel it ready to flow through her body again. It was only a matter of time. The smouldering Dark Magic ready to ignite at the threat of being drawn from her.

Slowly, she got up onto her hands and knees, then turned clumsily so she was sitting up. She huffed and winced as she grabbed a box of tissues from beside the bed. She wiped her face, blew her nose, and threw the tissues in the bin.

He was sitting with his elbows on his knees, his wand in both hands, turning the length of wood slowly.

“I’m sorry for kicking you,” she said.

“I’m sorry there’s not another way to do this,” he said. “It’s a particularly bad curse, an old one I haven’t seen in years.” He was staring at the floor and she was quietly grateful she could watch him unnoticed. He took a deep breath. “That was barely a quarter of the healing you need.” He rubbed his forehead. “I’ll have to start from the beginning but it will only get worse if you aren’t healed. It’s a curse which buries itself in the body and causes more harm as time goes on.”

She let him talk without interruption. It seemed to afford him some relief to talk about the origins of the curse she had been subjected to. To talk about how the healing magic worked, even if he was simplifying the theory behind it. To talk about the things he had told her so many times before when he healed her.

When she crawled across the bed, he looked up, moving his arm when she nudged him, and holding her arms as she manouvered herself onto his lap. She held onto his robes, resting her head on his shoulder. He swept her hair from across her back and brought it over her shoulder so it cascaded down her chest. He tapped her thighs gently until she was fully on his lap with her legs either side of him.

“Put your arms around my neck,” he murmured.

She did as he asked without stopping to question why and ignoring entirely the thought that she wanted to.

“Know that you will get through this, Tonks,” he said, his lips brushing her cheek.

The incantations began anew and she went rigid at the return of the fire. His free hand stroked her thigh, gently pushing her back onto his lap. She pressed her forehead against his shoulder and lost all sense of caring about the noises she made as he drew the fire through her bones. His words were whispered against her body and her hold on him remained tight.

His words never halted no matter how she moved or the noises she made. His hand did squeeze her thigh when she turned her head sharply, her strangled scream muffled as she sank her teeth into her arm. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Leaning her head against his, she gave hiccoughing cries while, at last, the fire no longer simply burned but began a slow retreat from her body. Dark Magic desperate to keep its grip on her was slowly being pried away by his magic. She closed her eyes and sniffed, leaning more heavily against him, letting herself give in to the words she didn’t understand. Feeling the tender rawness of places where Dark Magic had been ripped from her, not eased. She let her thoughts wander to his breathing, not knowing when she began to follow the same slow deep rhythm.

She wasn’t sure when the incantations ended, only that she realised they had been in silence for a time, that she no longer burned. The clean feeling which came with being free of Dark Magic quieter than usual beneath the trials of healing.

Sitting back on his lap, she took her arms from around his neck. He saw the bite mark and healed it with a flick of his wand and not a word spoken.

“I need to see your back,” he said, quietly. “There’s a chance this might have been enough and the potions will do the rest.”

She nodded, and her hands on his shoulders, she got up slowly, and he reached out to steady her. She turned around and stood between his legs.

His fingers traced lightly across her back and she winced.

“Stop hiding,” he said.

“I don’t know what you’re - ”

“Tonks,” he warned, “I need to see, and for this one, it matters more than most.”

She stared at the floor and put her hands on her hips. Sniffing, she wiped her face again, and took a deep breath. She heard his bitter sigh as she returned fully to herself. To what no one had seen for a very long time. To the body which wasn’t masked by a carefully memorised disguise. A disguise which smoothed her skin with just enough imperfections that no one would question whether there might be more going unnoticed.

“Thank you,” he said. There was something almost - she’d imagined it, though her heart betrayed her hopes - almost like reverence in his gratitude. He stroked her hips, brushing her fingertips before trailing down her legs. “Take the potions and try to stay in bed for a couple of days.”

She nodded. “I’ll try.”

“You will take the potions, at the very least.”

She turned around, still standing between his legs, and his hands returned to her. Her hands on his shoulders, he kissed her belly as if without thinking then turned away, pausing when she ran her fingers through his hair.

“Can we?” she whispered.

“How can you want me near you given what I’ve just done to you?” He looked up at her, not bothering to hide his disbelief. 

“You were healing me.” She traced the line of his jaw.

“Painless, wasn’t it,” he drawled. “You’re still in pain, I know you are.”

“And that means I shouldn’t be allowed to feel pleasure?”

He stroked the curves of her legs, then he sighed, and she took his face in her hands. He pulled the soft cotton over her hips and let the pyjamas fall to the floor. She pushed him back on the bed and straddled him, unable to disguise her pain as she moved, but smiling when he reminded her to take her time. She breathed more easily when his hands were back on her body. And she forgot a fraction of the pain while they brought each other pleasure.


	4. Chapter 4

**1997 - spring**

Tonks tried to curl up while the sharp pain throbbing in her head reverberated through her body. Somewhere in the cottage there was a loud thud which caused a new cascade of pain. Eyes closed, she tried to ignore how her limbs shook, the tremors taking over as she tried to grasp for something to cover the sweat-soaked pyjamas which clung to her. That she could be both freezing cold and sweltering hot didn’t seem possible. She fumbled again in her search, feeling around for a blanket or cardigan. Even Remus’s robes which he had a habit of leaving everywhere but his wardrobe would have been a welcome comfort. 

“Tonks?”

Startled, she groaned when she turned her head to see Snape crouched down beside her.

“Remus sent for me,” he said, holding up a piece of parchment.

“Remus?” She tried to lift her head but fell back against the cushions and slumped further down the sofa. “He shouldn’t - full moon - I’m fine.” Her breaths were coming more rapidly than ever and her heart was pounding though she had barely moved.

Snape brought the back of his hand to Tonks’s forehead. His frown deepened when his gaze drifted to her chest. He stood up and she closed her eyes, trying to turn away, only to find herself being lifted up. He carried her through the cottage and upstairs to her bedroom where he lowered her gently onto the bed.

She grappled with the blankets while he looked through the chest of drawers. 

“Wait,” he said, glancing at her before finding a pair of pyjamas and closing the drawer.

He came back to the bed and took her hands. She wobbled as she tried to sit up and fell against him when she stood. 

She pawed at her eyes. “Might be ill.”

“So I gather,” he drawled. Her bleary gaze met his and he stroked her arms before sighing in frustration. “Remus wouldn’t have let you get this bad.”

“He was away,” she mumbled. “Took his Wolfsbane with him and only got home earlier.” She swayed and Snape grabbed her. “He’s not happy with me.”

“I’d think not.” Snape lifted Tonks’s top up and eased it over her shaking body. He threw the sweat-soaked clothing on the floor, and keeping one arm around her, helped her put on the dry top. Her eyes were closed when he sat down on the bed and pulled her close. “You’re not done yet.”

She forced herself to open her eyes then grabbed his shoulders. He pushed her pyjamas down, she stepped out of them, and she allowed him to help her get the dry pair on. His hands settled on the backs of her thighs as she leant against him and pushed her damp hair from her face.

“Beautiful, aren’t I?” she said, with a shaky laugh.

She knew she imagined his murmured reply of, “Yes.” but let herself enjoy the notion of it nonetheless. He stood up carefully and helped her into bed then pulled the blankets over her. He left the room and she curled up, the cool pillow and sheets not unwelcome against her unnatural warmth. He came back with a bag and sat on the edge of the bed beside her pillow. 

A handful of vials were laid out on top of the blankets and he coaxed her into drinking the potions, each attempt to swallow hurting, each liquid a challenge to her stomach. Then the vials were away. Time seemed not to be obeying the rules as the minutes swam in and out of focus.

“Why did he write to you?” she said, quietly, feeling for the first time in days the beginnings of strength returning. But even then, she couldn’t keep her eyes from closing. “I haven’t been cursed.”

“He seemed to think you would find it harder to argue with my suggestions than anyone else's.”

Tonks tried to consider that Snape was still sitting on the bed, that he hadn’t moved her hand from where she grasped the edges of his robes once he was done giving her potions and she had been able to curl up beside him. That he had done more than give her potions. But sleep was too eager to take her. The potions. One of them must have been a sleeping draught, she realised, as the unmistakable pull of potion-induced sleep dragged her further from him.

“Stay with me,” she said, in little more than a tired whisper.

Whichever potions Snape gave her, Dreamless Sleep wasn’t among them. Shifting in her sleep, she was sure she could feel her hair being stroked. Sure she could hear him telling her she would feel better soon. Somewhere in her mind, she was glad he didn’t know what she dreamed of.

When the potions released Tonks from sleep, she woke to find Remus dozing in the armchair across the room, his post-transformation raggedness worse than usual. Sleeping in the sunlight which edged through a gap in the curtains, he was holding a piece of parchment which was close to falling from his grasp. A glance at the clock told her it was just after midday. Every movement ached, though she realised she was no longer shaking, and whilst she was a little warmer than was perhaps comfortable, she no longer burned. 

“Remus?”

He leapt up, chest heaving, his gaze darting around the room before settling on her. He rubbed his face and sighed.

“You should be in bed,” she said, patting the blankets beside her. “Come on.”

He shot her a glare which softened immediately into a smile. “I’ve been worried.” He got into the bed, wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her hair. “Looks like the potions helped.”

Tonks curled up against him, content to have him back. “Potions?” Memories came flooding back and she screwed up her eyes. “Severus came over last night, didn’t he?”

“Did I mention I was worried?”

“Why summon him?”

“He’s probably one of the few who could deal with the unstable hexing you’re prone to when you’re ill.” Remus kissed her hair and stroked her back. “He left a note saying how you were.”

“Oh Merlin, what did he say?”

“Making fever-induced confessions to him were you?” Remus laughed gently.

Tonks looked away and noticed the marks on her arms. Given his mood, he couldn’t have noticed. She metamorphosed the fraction she always did. The fever must have taken her defences down more than she realised. Then she remembered.

“Oh no.” She groaned and laughed, pressing her face against Remus’s chest. “I asked him if I was beautiful. I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again.”

Remus chuckled. “You are beautiful.” He stroked her cheek.

“Enough about me,” she said, summoning what energy she had to prop herself up and look at Remus properly. “How’s my werewolf?”

“Tired and worried.” He nudged her shoulder gently. “Snape suspected you’ve been sick for days, despite your protests to me yesterday that you’d fallen ill just before I came home.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, quietly. She sank back onto the bed. “I’m getting better.”

“You are.” He smiled softly and tucked loose strands of her hair behind her ear.

“Remus?”

“Yes?”

“Can we go back to sleep?”

“Yes,” he said, softly. “Yes, I think we should.”

Tonks kissed his cheek and after a few moments of wriggling and adjusting blankets, the two friends settled in the bed, and in their quiet heap of exhaustion, they fell asleep within minutes. 

A Muggle expression, said Snape, when Tonks questioned what he meant about rubbing salt into a wound. Her arms pinned above her head, he worked on the curse which slipped past her defences when she dragged an unconscious Muggleborn from the line of fire. Spring could almost touch summer, and the room was flooded by warm sunlight.

Eyes screwed up, she tried to metamorphose through the pain, thinking of the different colours she could render her hair, until he reminded her she was creating barriers for healing. Reminded her she could metamorphose once he was done. She promptly turned her hair blue, unable to stop herself smiling at his frustrated laugh. He returned to the curse which had left a mark trailing from her elbow down to her ribcage, and paused when her hair turned pink.

“Tonks,” he warned.

“What’s happened?”

He lowered his wand. “My time is being wasted.” He got up from the bed, went to the window, and looked out across the fields and trees. “Will you allow me to heal you or not?”

He didn’t turn around when the mattress creaked or when she trod on the loose floorboard. Standing behind him, her hands drifted from the small of his back and around his body. When he turned, she staggered back at his expression, backing herself against the wall, and taking him with her when she grabbed his shirt. His hands slammed into the wall on either side of her.

“I want you to heal me,” she said, in a rush. He searched her eyes and before he could speak, she blurted out, “I know you’re not fine.” She licked and bit her lip. “There’s something you’re not telling me but I still want you to heal me.”

Wriggling, she brought her arms up. One arm above her head, she reached for his free hand and brought it to her wrist which was already against the wall and slipped her other hand beneath his palm until both wrists were beneath his touch. Slowly his fingers flexed around her wrists.

Her gaze drifted to his mouth and she tried to lean closer but he pulled away. His fingers traced the path of the curse damage and she closed her eyes. His murmured words and the pull of Dark Magic from her body drew her attention back to him. Head pressed back against the wall and panting as she kicked the skirting board and pushed against the floor, her gaze met his and he leaned closer. Her sigh of relief brought him closer still. The incantations came in a slow steady rhythm that her heart easily outpaced. Her lips grazed his cheek and he pushed briefly against her wrists while he continued to extract the curse from her.

Then his words stopped and the clean feeling of being free from Dark Magic swept through her. Not simply the release of Dark Magic from the mark which would scar, but a rush which reached her fingertips and toes as if she had downed Invigoration Draught.

He released her wrists and put his wand away in his robes. He didn’t make a move or try to leave. She lowered her hands to her hips, pushed her pyjamas down and kicked them aside, her body brushing against his as she did so. Slipping her arms around his neck, she made a small bounce and he caught her thighs.

“Thank you,” she whispered, before kissing him. He pulled away and looked towards the window. Her head resting against his cheek, she listened to his steady breathing as her own floundered. “I - I understand if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

His grasp on her tightened and she moaned softly. “The problem is,” he drawled, “I do.”

“And that’s a problem?”

“Why, Tonks?” He pressed his fingers into her thighs.

Her short laugh brought his attention back to her and she raised her head, kissing his jaw before letting her head rest back against the wall. She smiled sadly as she searched his face. “You’re gentle and kind.”

“Yes,” he sneered. “When I make you kick and scream and vomit.”

“When you’re healing me.” She pushed his hair back and stroked his cheek. “When you’re not healing me - ”

“Don’t.”

“Severus?”

He pressed his lips to hers and all thoughts of challenging him disappeared from her mind as she deepened the kiss.

He waited, with arms crossed, while she pulled her pyjamas back on. When she approached him, his gaze drifted to her midriff where her top was pulled up by her raised arms, her hands busy plaiting her pink hair.

“Be careful,” he said.

“And deny you the chance to heal me?” She laughed softly and pushed back against the feeling something was different this time. The feeling he was hiding something. That this was as much warning as she would get. “Severus?”

He took her face in his hands and after a moment’s hesitation, he brought his lips to hers. She steadied herself by holding onto his robes, almost scared for a moment that she might fall even as his thumb stroked her cheek and she deepened the kiss. He pulled away and said, “I might not always be able to heal you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Be careful.”

His lips on hers quelled her questions until he pulled away and swept from the room. She stood listening to his fading footsteps and the thud of the front door. She stepped backwards until her legs hit the bed and she sat down. Her wand fell to the floor and without thinking she picked it up and put it straight back before slipping beneath the blankets and curling up.


	5. Chapter 5

**1997 - summer**

Snape cast the Avada Kedavra.

Dumbledore fell.

Snape fled.

Tonks replayed Harry’s words over and over, as if there might be a different explanation. As if they might make sense. As if another repetition would wake her from this nightmare. 

A small crowd was gathered around Bill’s bed and Tonks reflexively tightened her grip on Remus when talk of Greyback drifted towards them again. After the initial assurances of Bill’s future, Tonks led Remus to the other side of the ward, the grief painting itself across him anew with each word said of werewolves. 

Tonks leant against Remus and his hold on her was ironclad. His body was threatening to tear itself apart with tension. She kept wrestling her attention back to his heartbeat.

The world was falling apart.

And they had survived again.

Chaos descended as soon as Harry, his decoys, and their protectors were in the air.

Tonks knew Ron was no fighter and Bellatrix was among the Death Eaters on their tail. They were outnumbered. She kept flying, hexing, strategising. Getting Ron to his Great Aunt Muriel’s home was all she could focus on. When he managed to Stupefy a Death Eater, she knew the hit had been pure luck.

Muriel’s home was in sight when Bellatrix’s voice came too close for comfort. All Tonks knew was one moment they were flying and the next they were falling. She cast a Cushioning Charm and saw Ron hit the ground a few feet away from her. She screamed at him to run and in his shock he obeyed as if under the Imperius. She thanked Merlin that Ron knew which direction to run in as she saw him cross the wards.

Tonks tried to get up and stumbled on the dry grass verge.

Her shield faltered. 

The flicker was all Bellatrix needed.

Tonks knew in the split-second between her stumble and the curse leaving Bellatrix’s lips that she wouldn’t be able to shield herself in time.

Still she tried.

The Cruciatus Curse was a specialty of Bellatrix’s and her aim had suffered little for all the years in Azkaban.

Tonks dropped to the ground. And screamed.

Bellatrix stalked towards her then hissed. Tonks lay panting on the ground where she had slammed into the rocks which lay beneath the long grasses. Her wand yanked from her hand, Bellatrix’s fingers grasped Tonks’s wrist, and together they Disapparated.

They Apparated into a foyer where Death Eaters in black robes were milling around. Some still masked, others not. Bellatrix didn’t loosen her grip when Tonks smacked into the marble floor. The chattering of Death Eaters fell away into a silence punctured only by Tonks’s ragged breaths. Her gaze darted around the room and her arm was yanked.

“Up,” commanded Bellatrix.

Tonks staggered to her feet, still looking around the foyer. The place was packed with Death Eaters; many she knew, some revelations, and a few strangers. Bellatrix began to walk away and dragged Tonks with her. The grip on Tonks’s wrist didn’t seem feasible in its strength.

Tonks could see no other prisoners. Could see no way out. Her heart was pounding and her body shook as Death Eaters closed in around her. The silence had lifted to allow for a deep murmur of conversation, which gave way to raucous and cruel laughter. 

Bellatrix led Tonks into a ballroom where there were more Death Eaters already congregated. With another yank, Bellatrix flung Tonks to the floor where she smacked against the marble.

“Why, it’s a family reunion,” said a cold high voice.

Tonks raised her head to see Voldemort walking towards her and she scrambled back. 

“Crucio,” said Bellatrix, almost lazily.

Tonks screamed as fire burned through her.

“You and your precious Order have most inconvenienced me tonight,” said Voldemort.

Tonks cried and tasted blood in her mouth. Through the tears she saw him pacing near her.

“Potter escaped again but perhaps it’s a night for Aurors instead. Mad-Eye was killed,” mused Voldemort. “Yes, why not one more?”

A guttural scream escaped Tonks and she pushed up against the floor, some part of her still wondering if she could escape, then she saw him. 

He was standing near the fore, at ease like the other Death Eaters, though he wasn’t grinning or whispering asides like some were. 

The sounds which came from her were ones of animal despair. Her body tearing apart with pain as she cried and breathed and screamed. And he was unmoved. Though his dark gaze didn’t move from her.

“Why, Severus, I think she is displeased with you,” said Voldemort, as if this were some welcome amusement in his court. 

Tonks tried to get up onto her knees then she heard Bellatrix say, “Crucio.”

It didn’t matter that Bellatrix wasn’t putting her full power behind each utterance, Tonks still couldn’t conceive of how the pain could worsen. Whisper, shout, scream. Her body still burned.

She slumped to the floor.

“Your precious Order,” sneered Voldemort. 

A wave of nausea swept over Tonks as if a gentle touch of the sea upon the shore but it may as well have been an ocean upon driftwood for all her hope of being able to withstand it.

No, no, no.

He was still there, still watching her, still without a glimmer of anything which she could hold onto as hope.

“How could you?” she said, her throat burning. Then she shouted for all she was worth, “How could you?”

Her challenge was met with silence except for the echo of her plea against the marble.

Then came a low laugh from Voldemort which was like mercury sliding over her body.

“Betrayal hurts, doesn’t it, Nymphadora?” said Voldemort, softly.

Tonks vomited. 

Voldemort stepped closer and the mess vanished.

Her forehead against the cold stone, her tears streamed across her face. She couldn’t fight her way out and no one was coming to save her. 

She turned her head, her damp cheeks feeling as though they might freeze against the cold marble, and she stared at him. “Bastard,” she choked out.

“A Halfblood,” said Voldemort, “not a bastard, Nymphadora.” He gave a disappointed sigh. “Where are your manners? Bellatrix, I’m surprised someone of your family could be so ill behaved.”

“She’s not one of ours,” said Bellatrix, before casting another Crucio at Tonks.

“Enough,” said Voldemort, and the agony halted.

Tonks slumped to the floor again and saw Voldemort beckon Snape to come closer.

“I wonder, Severus, if I have found a reward you are willing to accept,” said Voldemort. “You pleased me greatly in attending to Dumbledore and I know your recompense can only be one which comes with something to satisfy your desire for a challenge.”

“Thank you, my Lord,” said Snape.

There was laughter from around the room and at last she saw the glint in his eye and the suggestion of a smirk. She was meant to go home. Remus would be waiting for her.

The two of them came home.

They always came home.

“It’s a shame,” mused Voldemort, looking down at her, his gaze travelling along her body. “You could have been useful to our side but weapons need to be controlled and I think you will serve better as a warning than an ally.”

Snape crouched down, met Tonks’s gaze, and she spat at him. Laughter erupted around them and with a flick of his wand, his robes were clean. He grabbed her wrist and rose, leaving her to scramble for purchase against the slippery floor.

“Do be careful, Severus,” intoned Voldemort, who took Tonks’s chin in his hand. “I think she still has a little fire in her.”

Voldemort’s skin was as cold as the marble and Tonks whimpered, a sharp panic slipping from her lips at the inhuman touch. Snape’s hand was warm around her wrist and the grip vice like. Voldemort’s touch was featherlight, and looking into his eyes, she knew he could kill her with a whisper. She was meant to go home. She couldn’t abandon Remus. The night before, they curled up in bed together, with reassurances to each other that they’d be back home before they knew it. They always came home. Voldemort’s fingers slipped from Tonks’s skin and her head whipped around when Snape moved away, dragging her across the marble seemingly without effort or care.

Snape looked at Bellatrix and held out his hand. “Her wand,” he said. Bellatrix sniffed and withdrew the wand from her robes. Snape inclined his head towards her. “Don’t be jealous, Bella.”

Tonks’s gaze darted around and she saw Voldemort watching with amusement his Death Eaters sizing each other up.

“I suppose it’s your reward to be allowed to break both,” said Bellatrix, crossing her arms.

Tonks pulled against Snape’s grip but his fingers only flexed around her wrist and she fell to her knees as the aftershocks of the Cruciatus smouldered in her.

“And well earned,” supplied Voldemort. “Perhaps Bellatrix can find you a room and save Narcissa the hassle.”

Bellatrix’s eyes widened in disgust, then Snape said, “Thank you, my Lord, but for what I have in mind I would be best to take her elsewhere, I wouldn’t want to spoil the floors.”

“We won’t wait up for you,” said Bellatrix, with amusement returning now she was no longer to act as his House-elf. There was another eruption of laughter from the Death Eaters which echoed against the marble. Tonks watched Voldemort wave his hand in dismissal and turn away.

Snape strode from the room. Tonks slid and scrambled and staggered behind him, never quite able to find her footing, her shoulder agony as he maintained his hold on her and dragged her from the delighted audience.

House-elfs shut the ballroom doors behind them with gentle care, the handles thudding softly against the carved wood. A different chill emanated through the quiet space as Snape continued to drag her, his pace and grip unrelenting. She continued to cry and yelp. Her head swam with nausea still and her vision was blurring. Then he stopped and they Disapparated.

They Apparated to the fields beside Lupin Cottage. The black of night was touched by the quarter moon, and under the stars, there was only the chattering of nocturnal birds to disturb them along with the breeze which wound through the trees and rustled leaves.

His hand was still holding her wrist, his grip firm even as she fell to the ground. She yelped as her shoulder was yanked once again when her knees hit the dirt. The jolt ricocheted through her and she vomited again, sobbing as she drew her sleeve across her mouth.

“How could you?” She wanted an answer. If it was all to end, she wanted it to end with an answer. Her arm still above her, hand all but numb, her shoulder searing with pain, her head sank onto her other arm.

“Tonks.”

He had brought her back to Lupin Cottage either to save her or to dump her body. The tiny whisper in her mind was that there was still a chance. 

“I trusted you,” she sobbed.

“No,” he said, almost with resignation, “you didn’t.”

He threw something across the grass. Her wand, she realised. Then he crouched down, the tension relieving from her arm and shoulder an agony in its release. She slid to the ground and he grabbed her other wrist, his wand still in his hand, when she made to lunge for him though there was no force behind the movement and she hit the ground again. She landed a kick, her boot smacking against his, but he appeared not to notice. 

“Lumos,” she croaked, then more forcefully, “Lumos!”

He sighed. “Lumos.” His wand glowed with an orb of soft light. 

She searched for someone different but it was him. Still him. The same dark eyes hers lingered on in different times. The same gaze which used to give her butterflies. She wondered what he saw in her. Wondered if he could tell. Wondered what she did to him still. If she had ever been anything more than -

“You died tonight,” he said. “Do you understand?”

“Do you think this redeems you?”

“Nox.”

“I’m - I’m - ” She couldn’t do it and her body broke apart with another sob.

He stood, letting go just before she could stretch no further, before she would be dragged up from the ground. He stepped away swiftly, his robes swishing against the tall grasses, and he took several steps before stopping.

“Hide,” he warned. Then he turned, the crack of Disapparition splitting the night.

Tonks tried to stand and crashed back to the ground. She crawled towards where he had thrown her wand, the grasses and dirt scraping her hands and knees, her fingers frantically searching for the wand she had known and loved since she was eleven. She touched the familiar wood and cried with relief. On her third attempt, she managed to summon her Patronus and send a message to Remus. She sank to the ground and rolled onto her back. Staring at the stars, tears streamed across her face.

Two cracks of Apparition made her jump, sending her body back against the ground as the field was flooded with the light of two Lumos charms sweeping around her.

“Homenum Revelio!” shouted Remus. Footsteps pounded from near the cottage into the fields. “Tonks!”

“Tonks!” shouted Kingsley, as a glow surrounded her, and the footsteps got closer.

Both men fell to their knees beside her. Hands sweeping her hair from her face and searching her body for obvious wounds. 

“I’ll let everyone know she’s safe,” said Kingsley.

“No - no one outside the Order,” breathed Tonks.

Remus’s frantic gaze met hers and his fingers touched her face with hesitant desperation.

“If he - if they think I’ve survived they’ll only try and come back for me,” she said.

“How are you - ” Remus swallowed. His voice cracking, he said, “I didn’t think, but how - ”

“Escaped,” she said, and the men exchanged a glance. 

Kingsley stroked her hair gently. “I will tell your parents what’s happened,” he said. He swore and sighed, his smile pained as he stroked her hair again. “And I will tell only those we trust that you survived.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, screwing her eyes up as pain and nausea and exhaustion competed to overwhelm her first.

She heard Kingsley walk away, heard the crack of Disapparition. 

Remus said Tonks’s name over and over as he scooped her up. Each step across the uneven ground a jolt through her body. 

“We’re almost there,” he said, softly, as he carried her home.

They had survived.

The aftereffects of the Cruciatus Curse released Tonks from their grip over a few days. The bruises on her body and around her wrists changed colour. The cuts and scrapes were healing slowly. Her muscles ached less with each passing day.

She hadn’t stopped being sick.

Just the curse wearing off, she told Remus. She hated lying to him. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth.

Tonks was leaning against the wall beside the bathroom sink, wondering if the water she had been sipping would stay down, when Remus stopped in the doorway. She put the glass down on the sink. Hands in his pockets, he looked her up and down, and chewed his lip. He ran his hand through his hair then put his hands in his pockets.

“Snape’s the father, isn’t he?” 

She smiled sadly and nodded. “I’m sorry,” she said, quietly. “I - I didn’t know how to tell you.” She sniffed and pawed at her face. “This is such a mess. I can never admit it’s him.”

“How far along are you?”

“Three months.” 

“What - what if I was the father?” 

The longer she looked at him, she realised how long his suspicions had been growing. Of the past few weeks. Of what happened behind the wards and charms in seasons past.

“We can say we fell in love after - after Sirius died,” said Remus, hesitantly. 

“We already love each other.” Her eyes stung and she scrunched up her nose. Looking at him, she saw his eyes shining.

“I know.” He crossed the room and she held her arms out, glad to feel his strong embrace around her. Glad to feel safe when all else felt treacherous.

“What about the future?”

“We’ve been living together for years, Tonks,” he said, “and there’s never going to be anyone else - he was it - he was,” Remus’s voice caught, “he was everything, but that’s me.”

“I can’t think of anyone better than my best friend.” Tonks kissed his cheek. “This baby’s going to need a father and, Merlin, I have to figure out how to be a mother.” She sniffed and the tears fell, as they seemed to every day. “I don’t think anyone could have called it love,” she whispered, “least of all him.” Remus wrapped her in his arms and she gripped his shirt. “And I still manage to miss him, and I hate myself for it, and I miss Sirius, and he was yours and he wasn’t meant to leave, and none of this is right, Remus.”

“I don’t think we’ll ever stop missing Sirius.”

“You really don’t have to do this,” said Tonks. “It’ll only make people like Molly more convinced than ever that - ”

“You and Harry are all I have left,” said Remus, softly. “Doesn’t matter what Molly thinks, so long as you and I both know the truth.”

“Baby Lupin,” she murmured.

“Who’d have thought it.” Remus gave a little laugh, then he swallowed and sniffed.

“Do we have to get married?”

“How about having the baby first?” He stroked her back and kissed her hair.

“Harry should be godfather,” said Tonks.

Remus nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I think he would be perfect.”

“We’re having a baby,” she whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

**1997 - autumn**

Tonks listened to Remus and Kingsley go through their security questions after Remus answered the knock at the front door. Warmer welcomes followed, along with the swish of a cloak being taken off and hung up. Tonks wandered out of the kitchen and Kingsley’s eyes widened when he saw her.

On Kingsley’s previous visits, she made a point of wearing Remus’s old shirts or her slouchiest cardigans. This time, she had barely woken up and was still traipsing around the cottage in her pyjamas, the top stretched tight over her bump.

"Tonks?" said Kingsley, tearing his gaze from her bump.

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out, catching Remus’s small smile as she floundered. Cheeks burning, she looked at the floor.

“How?” said Kingsley. “Who - ?”

“We were both surprised,” said Remus, putting his arm around Tonks’s shoulders and kissing her hair. 

“Remus?” Kingsley looked as though he was waiting for the punchline of a joke. Tonks crossed her arms and looked up at him from under her long lashes. Kingsley asked carefully, “Unplanned?”

“Yes,” said Tonks.

“You’re quite a way along,” Kingsley observed.

Tonks bit her lip and nodded.

There was no more said about Tonks’s pregnancy, and instead they talked of what little news Kingsley was able to glean regarding the war beyond the propaganda being published by the Daily Prophet. He brought a copy of the paper with him and it lay on the kitchen table which they sat around, mugs of tea in front of them, along with a plate of biscuits which was going ignored.

He gave them updates on the rest of the Order, though the news was sparse and worrying for the omissions he couldn’t investigate further. Tonks flipped through the pages of the Daily Prophet until she found the report of her death which Kingsley was telling Remus about. After weeks of silence, an obituary. A declaration of how she betrayed her position as an Auror by aiding criminals. Elbows on the table, her head in her hands, she re-read the words which detailed how she died a traitor. 

“The Order knows that isn’t who you are,” said Remus, softly, stroking her back.

“I helped Harry escape,” she said, with an empty laugh. “I did desert my position as an Auror.”

“We both did,” said Kingsley.

Tonks reached across the table and took Kingsley’s hand. They were both traitors to the Ministry. She hadn’t missed the mention of Kingsley within the article: a criminal still on the run, dangerous and not to be approached, another deserter. Tonks got up and walked around the table to hug Kingsley. 

“People will know the truth one day, Tonks,” said Kingsley, patting her on the back.

“One day,” she murmured.

She wondered how far away one day might be.

After Kingsley left, their hugs goodbye followed by his plea that Tonks and Remus take care, Tonks retreated to the kitchen and sat down at the table. The Daily Prophet lay folded up near the empty mugs. She pulled the paper towards her and stared at the front page.

A new school year at Hogwarts brought with it a new Headmaster, and beneath the headline declaring his appointment to the post, Snape stood on the castle steps. The photo could have been mistaken for a Muggle one at first glance for how still he remained.

“You could keep the photo,” suggested Remus. Tonks’s hand flew to her chest and her head whipped round to see him bringing two fresh mugs of tea over to the table. He smiled apologetically. “Sorry.” The mugs set down, he hugged her. “I didn’t mean to surprise you like that.”

“Remus, I heard the kettle whistle a minute ago,” she said. “You didn’t leap out of the shadows screaming curses.” She sighed, leant back into his embrace, and gazed out the window. “I just - I got distracted.”

“Short of an Obliviate, you can’t just forget him,” said Remus.

“I want to.” She kissed his cheek then leant her head against him. “I want - I want everything to be different. I want Sirius and Mad-Eye back, I want Ginny to be safe at Hogwarts, I want Harry not to have just turned bloody seventeen and be out doing whatever he’s doing.”

“There’s forgetting and there’s dreaming,” said Remus, softly. 

Tonks put the Daily Prophet on the pile of papers they kept by the fire then hesitated. She picked the newspaper up, slipped the front page off, then put the rest back. She went upstairs, listening to Remus cooking in the kitchen, wooden utensils bashing off pans. In the bedroom, she slipped the photo beneath clothes at the back of a drawer.

Her hands stilled on the chest of drawers before being drawn to her bump. 

"He loves you," she murmured.

The baby kicked and Tonks followed the movements with her hand.

She left the room knowing she would never be able to forget him. 

Remus stood beside the bed and snorted when Tonks patted the space beside her.

“There’s plenty of room,” she said, nudging another pillow into a comfier position.

Remus fought his way into the bed, an old edition of _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ in his hand.

With each passing week, more pillows ended up in the bed. The bed they started sharing after Tonks survived Malfoy Manor. After too many nights when one of them would wake, heart pounding, wondering frantically where the other was.

Remus sat beside her, the book in his lap, and began to read aloud _The Fountain of Fair Fortune_. He read a story every night, except for when there was a full moon, when he would read during the day. More and more often she fell asleep before the story was finished. Lying down in her nest of pillows, she closed her eyes and felt the baby move. Our baby, she thought, before sleep claimed her.

**1997/1998 - winter**

Tonks’s Christmas stocking lay on the coffee table beside her and Remus’s was over the back of the sofa. A third stocking hung empty by the fire as it had done the Christmas before. The fire roared and Remus flipped through _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ while Tonks peeled a clementine. She stretched and shifted, still concentrating on the fruit in her hands while she tried to get comfortable. She had her legs over Remus’s lap and he stroked her feet while he found his place in the book.

Presents, wrapping paper, and twine were on the table. Gifts from each other, a few friends whose owls made it through the blizzards, and her parents who stopped by earlier in the day to cook dinner for them all.

Tonks told her parents the truth a few days after telling Remus. Her parents didn’t hesitate in telling her they loved her, in promising her they would keep secret who their grandchild’s father was, in telling Remus he was a part of their family already.

The firelight made the last of the gilt edging glow on _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ and Remus began to read _Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump_. Tonks put the clementine peel on the plate covered with icing sugar and the last of the mince pies, and quietly ate the sweet juicy segments as Remus read aloud. She reached out and he stopped reading when she put his hand on her bump where the baby was kicking.

“Definitely a Gryffindor,” said Remus.

Tonks laughed then ate another piece of clementine as Remus returned to reading aloud. They were having a Hufflepuff, she was sure of it. 

Remus opened the bedroom door quietly and walked over to the bed. His cheeks were pink from being out in the snow and Apparating back and forth. He sat down carefully beside Tonks who was nestled up against a bank of pillows.

“Did Harry agree?” said Tonks, leaning against Remus when he put his arm around her shoulders.

“Yes,” said Remus, his voice catching. “Yes, he did.”

Teddy was cradled in Tonks’s arms, the blanket over them both as he fed. Remus gently stroked Teddy’s soft tufts of hair, the newborn metamorphmagus already managing to change, though returning to his natural colours within minutes each time. 

“It’s okay,” whispered Remus, when Tonks began to cry. He kissed her hair and she leant more heavily against him. “I’m here, it’s okay.”

Tonks sniffed and swallowed back her tears.

“Harry’s really okay being godfather?” she asked, her voice thick.

Remus pulled tissues from the box sitting on the blankets and wiped Tonks’s cheeks and nose.

“Oh, I think he’s terrified,” said Remus, smiling, “but the good kind of terrified, I think he wants to make Sirius proud, which is to say we don’t need to start panicking until Teddy is old enough to ride a broom.”

Tonks laughed, a hiccoughing laugh which threatened to give way to tears again at any moment.

“Thank you,” she said. She nudged Remus with her elbow, careful not to disturb Teddy who was still latched on and content in her arms. Remus tucked a loose strand of hair behind Tonks’s ear and she kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

**1998 - spring**

Tonks stood in the doorway of the living room, a mug of tea in her hands, and watched Remus adjust the blanket over himself and Teddy. Teddy’s green eyes were half-closed, and his sandy hair stood out against Remus’s dark shirt. Remus flipped through _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ with one hand, his other on Teddy.

“Another story?” said Remus, peering down at Teddy. “Yes, I agree, we’ve got time for one more.”

Remus glanced up at Tonks and smiled before beginning to read aloud _The Tale of the Three Brothers_.

When the Patronus came barrelling into their bedroom to announce there was a battle happening at Hogwarts, Remus leapt out of bed and began to get ready. He kissed Teddy’s cheek, careful not to wake him, then made to leave the cottage. When Tonks said she would go with him, a shouting match ensued in the garden before he strode through the wards and Disapparated.

Tonks followed once her parents arrived at Lupin Cottage.

She ran, stopping only to find out from people where Remus was, and ignoring the shocked expressions and exclamations from those who thought she was dead or ought to be home with Teddy. She found Remus strategising with Kingsley, and though both men looked furious, Remus hugged her tightly.

“We fight together,” said Tonks.

“Teddy - ”

“Is safe with mum and dad.”

Remus looked at the ceiling and bit his lip. She could see his eyes shining and knew she was close to crying again. His hands gripped her painfully tight and when he looked at her, there were tears on his cheeks. She wiped them away with her fingers.

“We’ll be home before we know it,” she said, her voice catching as she forced herself to smile. “We always come home.”

“You,” pleaded Remus. “Teddy needs you.”

“He needs you, too.” 

Dolohov’s curse hit Remus, and before he hit the ground, Kingsley grabbed Tonks. He held her back and other members of the Order shielded them.

“Go home,” said Kingsley, having to raise his voice to be heard over the chaos of battle. “You will not leave Teddy an orphan.”

Tonks couldn’t tear her eyes from Remus who lay on the ground unmoving. Her throat was raw from screaming his name. Kingsley grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. “Teddy needs you.” The sound which came from Tonks caught even the attention of the nearby Death Eaters. “I will see you after the battle, now go, we don’t have much time.” Kingsley kissed her forehead. “Think of Teddy.”

Kingsley released Tonks. And for a moment she could hear everything and nothing.

She closed her eyes and thought of the dark gaze which met hers every time she watched Teddy wake from sleep.

She turned and Apparated to Lupin Cottage.

Her parents were walking around the garden in the first touches of the sunrise, Teddy in his grandfather’s arms. Tonks fell to her knees as her mother ran to her.

This wasn’t how it was meant to go.

Remus wasn’t coming home.

News of the battle came after sunrise.

Tonks sat on the bed, Teddy cradled in her arms as he fed, his small hand wrapped around her thumb. She stared at the tiles around the fireplace as her father relayed the news. Their side won and Voldemort was dead. Her father hesitated. Then he told her Snape was on their side all along, though there was talk of him going to Azkaban with the other surviving Death Eaters.

Tonks nodded and asked to be left alone. 

Once Teddy was asleep, she lowered him into the crib beside her, then got back on the bed.

She cast a silencing charm around the bed.

No curse had ever wrought this kind of pain from her.

When she lay catching her breath, too exhausted to scream and cry any longer, she lifted the silencing charm then crawled beneath the blankets.

She watched Teddy’s chest rise and fall. Watched his hair change as he dreamed. Watched him smile in his sleep.

Sleep took her while she thought of all that had been taken from him.


	7. Chapter 7

**1998 - summer**

Tonks stood on a hilltop, arms wrapped around herself, staring at the mark on the horizon which was her destination. Kingsley had been gazing out across the sea when Tonks Apparated beside him. His hands held behind his back, he didn’t turn to say hello but waited for her to get her bearings.

The hilltop was otherwise deserted except for a bothy where an Auror remained on guard for those needing to break their journey to Azkaban. Tonks waved to the Auror who was sitting in a chair outside the bothy and they waved in return, unable to stop the flicker of surprise at seeing Tonks. Reinstated as an Auror, she regained her security clearance for the prison, but when Kingsley suggested they meet on the mainland first, she didn’t argue. As Minister for Magic, he was able to arrange a visit whenever he wished, and still looking out to sea he told her there would be no other visitors there. She nodded, then quietly thanked him. The shore was only a short distance away, and the waves crashed against the rocks. 

Tonks wrote out several long letters detailing her reasons for the request, and in the end, it was a short note which she gave the owl. She wanted to come back to work, but until she was ready for more, she wanted to deal with one case, and one case only. Kingsley didn’t ask why. She knew her colleagues, old and new, were aware of her return. The Auror Department did at least have its own code of honour and Tonks was relying on that cover as she prepared to walk into Azkaban where everyone would see there was only one prisoner she was visiting. Kingsley promised her she had only to say the word and he would reassign the case. He was personally dealing with the other departments connected and few would need to know of her involvement.

Tonks glanced at Kingsley and wondered how much he knew, how much he suspected. They’d all been members of the Order. He was there after she survived Malfoy Manor. And then there was Teddy. From time to time, she would see Kingsley looking at Teddy as if there was something he couldn’t quite figure out.

A gust of sea air rolled up the slope of the hill and she swept her hair back, twisting it into a bun and keeping it in place with a sticking charm.

“Ready?” said Kingsley.

Tonks flinched. The memory seared deeper than the curse drawn out of her. It always surprised her, the things which hurt. Little moments. Words said in passing and fleeting flashes of colour. The smallest twist of wood smoke through the air or the swish of a cloak. Then there were those eyes, the dark gaze which met hers every morning and wrought joy from the grief she woke with every day.

“There’s never going to be a good time, is there?” she said, watching the white horses crash back into the water. Seagulls followed the fishing boats and the waves changed colour beneath passing clouds.

They Apparated to the edge of the island, just beyond the wards, and walked the short distance to the gate. Even with the Dementors gone, the prison emanated despair like it was built into the very walls of the fortress. There was no peace as the sea smashed against the rocky outcrop day and night, trying to reclaim the island for itself. The Auror in the gatehouse greeted Kingsley and Tonks with a wary expression when they made their way inside.

Kingsley followed Tonks through the winding corridors and staircases which brought them to the interrogation rooms where Kingsley dismissed the Auror standing guard. Side by side, they looked through the charmed glass to see Snape sitting in a metal chair at a granite table, the golden bonds around his wrists anchored to a loop at the edge of the chiselled stone.

Tonks holstered her wand and tried to give Kingsley a reassuring smile before she opened the door. The charmed glass appeared as stone to anyone inside the interrogation room and the silencing charms went into effect as soon as the door was closed.

Tonks sat down on the other side of the table and pushed her hair out of her face before crossing her arms. Sticking charms were no match for the North Sea winds and she disliked that one of her first thoughts was how she looked. She metamorphosed before she left Lupin Cottage so her hair was its natural brown, in the hopes her reappearance would catch a little less attention, but the family likeness she bore meant that anyone who didn’t know her could still guess who she was. 

She glanced at his hands, still unable to bring herself to meet his gaze, then she swallowed and looked up.

Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban.

She was in the island prison with the man whose future still hung in a delicate balance as decisions were made about what he had done for both the Light and the Dark. For being instrumental in winning the war and in causing suffering along the way.

By firelight, lamplight, or the soft glow of dawn, she saw the same dark eyes every morning.

The interrogation room was illuminated only by lamps and the glow of the bonds.

“You were on our side?”

“Yes.”

“All along?”

“I’ve answered these questions already,” he said, with a look of irritation. “Why are you here?”

“I needed to hear it from you,” she admitted. “Not just read it in reports.” She uncrossed her arms and rested her hands on the table while she fidgeted with the sleeve of her robes. “I realise I’m maybe not up to the standards you’ve come to expect during the investigations so far but I’ve haven’t been back at the Auror Department long.” She gave an empty laugh. “I was dead for some time which made getting to work difficult.”

“My apologies for inconveniencing you.” 

She stared at her hands and without thinking, pushed her sleeve back, and brushed her fingers over her wrist. “You saved me at the Manor.”

“I had an opportunity.”

“You didn’t have to,” she said, raising her head to look at him as she pulled her sleeve down.

“Are you finished?”

The temperature in the room dropped and she searched his eyes for the warmth which had been there even as she lay on the ground near Lupin Cottage in the glow of a Lumos. When she drew in a deep breath, his gaze darted to her mouth.

She stood up and walked to the door only to stop and look back. 

“Did you facilitate or, at any time, request Remus’s death?”

It was the one piece of information no report covered, or even touched on. Officially, Remus didn’t matter beyond documents for the Auror Department which attempted to discern only who cast the fatal spells during the chaos of battle.

Snape shook his head.

“Was Remus targeted?” She didn’t know if she wanted the answer but it was another of the questions which haunted her.

“As far as I know he was only a target by way of joining the battle.”

She closed her eyes and saw Remus fall.

“And yet there you both were.”

“You saw me?” she choked out, as her eyes flew open.

“Briefly.”

She wanted to scream and ask him what he knew.

"Didn't I tell you to hide?" 

She nodded stiffly and met his gaze.

In those dark eyes she saw the flicker of someone she once thought she knew. Someone she once felt safe with. Someone she once -

She turned away and left the interrogation room, slamming the door behind her. Kingsley called back the Auror he previously sent away and a moment later, he fell into step with Tonks as she walked along the corridor. Once they were through the gatehouse she began to paw at her eyes.

“The mainland?” said Kingsley, when they were beyond the wards.

“Yes,” she said, quietly, and they Apparated back to the hilltop.

“I’m not here as the Minister for Magic now,” he said. “The official part is over.”

Tonks exhaled in a rush and ran the few steps to him. He held her close and swayed gently on the spot.

“Remus isn’t coming back,” she said, in between sobs. “He isn’t coming back, Kingsley.”

“No,” he said, his voice catching. “He isn't.”

Tonks walked slowly around the bedroom with Teddy in her arms. It was a night where nothing seemed to settle him except to wear a path on the floor while she rubbed his back. When they passed the mirror, she saw his eyes were half-closed.

She didn’t realise she had stopped walking until she felt Teddy begin to stir. She swayed gently from side to side and he settled again while she gazed at the photos on the mantelpiece. Encased in different frames were Remus and Sirius. In a couple there were Tonks and her parents, too. And one which was just Teddy, Remus, and Tonks. 

She knew crying wasn’t going to bring Remus back and still it was all she could do some nights. The last of the tissues in the bin, she would lift the silencing charm and crawl under the blankets, scooting over so she was as close as possible to Teddy in his crib. She would watch his chest rise and fall until she fell asleep.

She walked back to the mirror and saw, as she suspected, that Teddy’s eyes were closed. His hair was black, the colour it always returned to when he slept. She wandered back to stand near the fire and watched Remus and Sirius. Watched herself and her parents laugh along with them. Watched them walk through the garden of Lupin Cottage. Then, after a time, she let her gaze wander to the photo of Remus with her and Teddy.

“You’re a Lupin,” she whispered, pressing her lips to Teddy’s head, “but I still think you’ll be a Hufflepuff.”

After she lay him down in his crib and waited the precious few seconds to see if he would stay asleep, she was about to get into bed when she hesitated and went over to the chest of drawers. She opened the drawer, pushed a bundle of clothes aside, and took out the old front page of the Daily Prophet. Except for once catching sight of the newsprint as she put clothes away, she hadn’t looked at the photo since hiding it there. The paper was neatly pressed from months beneath clothes. She couldn’t bring herself to even touch the photo and kept her fingers on the surrounding words.

She went to Azkaban in search of answers, and as she watched the barest movements of Snape on the steps of Hogwarts, she knew she had to give up her own secrets, if only to him. She glanced at Teddy, her heart already pounding at the thought of telling Snape he had a son.


	8. Chapter 8

**1998 - autumn**

Kingsley gave the Auror outside the interrogation room orders to leave while Tonks went inside. Snape’s gaze wandered to her when she walked over to him instead of sitting down. On the table, in reach of the golden bonds, she laid out papers along with a tamperproof quill and ink. She said everything she was officially required to and his gaze returned to the documents. Her fingers pressing the parchment down against the cold stone, his warm hand brushed hers while he signed. When he leant back and crossed his arms, his robes caught on hers but he pushed them away before she could tug them back. 

He stared ahead at the bare wall while she rolled up the parchments. The documents, quill, and ink in hand, she had no reason to stay. Not an official one. She turned to leave, only to catch the toe of her boot on the flagstones. She swore as she tripped, sending the parchment flying while the ink and quill dropped to the floor beside her. The door burst open and Kingsley strode in as Tonks was hauling herself up.

“Tonks?” said Kingsley.

“Tripped.” She dusted herself off then picked up everything, turning the bottle of ink to check for cracks, then glanced at Snape who was still looking at the wall.

Were her defences so low around him? She shot him another glance before walking past Kingsley and out into the corridor to lean against the wall.

“How are you finding Azkaban?” said Kingsley.

Tonks's gaze darted to the open doorway.

“I’m here at your pleasure, Kingsley,” drawled Snape. “But there are other places I’d rather be.”

She could hear the edges of a smile in his voice and she bit her lip. His coldness was just for her, then.

Kingsley laughed then sighed. “If it’s any consolation, the Wizengamot makes this place feel like a holiday.”

“Would you like to trade?”

Tonks tried to make out the low murmurs which followed as she edged towards the door but she didn't get far when Kingsley walked out and summoned the Auror he'd previously sent away. She slipped the parchment, ink, and quill into the pockets of her robes.

Kingsley came over to Tonks, put his hand on her shoulder and steered her towards the staircase.

“The Minister for Magic does seem to have a lot of time on his hands,” she said, as they descended the stairs.

“I miss you all,” he said, eventually.

“And?”

They both gave their thanks to the Auror in the gatehouse, then the sea was welcoming them from the confines of the fortress with waves crashing on either side of the island with a ferocity which sent spray into the air to fall on them like rain.

“Mainland,” said Kinsgley.

Tonks huffed but followed Kingsley through the wards and Apparated.

On the hilltop, Tonks pulled up the hood of her cloak as the winds still whipped around them. She nudged Kingsley’s foot with hers. He rubbed his jaw and glanced at her before looking back out across the sea.

“Remus asked me to look out for you if anything were to happen to him,” said Kingsley. “He asked not long before you arrived for the battle at Hogwarts.”

Tonks was frozen to the spot until Kingsley pulled her into his arms while the newest punch of grief passed. There were days when she let herself be reminded it had only been months since the battle. And there were days where she thought the grief would never lessen.

Tonks and Kingsley walked through the gate of Lupin Cottage to find Harry and Ginny flying slowly on their brooms a couple of feet above the ground, side by side, with Teddy bundled up in Harry’s arms. Tonks’s parents called out greetings from where they stood near the front door and Teddy laughed while Ginny commentated on their flying in a hushed shout as if they were in the middle of a fierce quidditch match.

Harry and Ginny came to a halt in front of Tonks and Kingsley, and Harry climbed carefully off his broom, keeping Teddy close in his arms.

“He’s going to be a pro by the time he gets to Hogwarts,” said Ginny, grinning, as she hovered above the ground and held Harry’s broom.

Harry handed Teddy to Tonks and she kissed Teddy’s rosy cheeks as he did his best to reach Ginny and the brooms, his small hands grabbing at the air and his laughs of delight giving way to frustrated whines.

“You want to go flying again?” said Tonks, swaying a little and enjoying the feel of Teddy in her arms again.

“I’ll take him,” said Ginny, handing Harry’s broom back to him. “I need to teach this boy some tricks!”

Tonks laughed, kissed Teddy again and took him over to Ginny. Ginny bounced Teddy in her arms and he laughed in delight at being back on a broom. 

“Kingsley, you can take my broom,” said Harry, in a rush. He scratched the back of his neck while Tonks and Kingsley exchanged a glance.

“Go on, then,” said Kingsley, taking the broom. “I might manage to keep up.”

Ginny snorted and began to fly off through the garden with the Minister for Magic beside her. Kingsley conjured hoops of light for Ginny and Teddy to navigate and Teddy’s squealing laughs brought smiles to everyone. 

“So, uh, how’s Snape?” said Harry, after they watched Teddy, Ginny, and Kingsley complete a lap of the garden. “Kingsley won’t let me visit Azkaban.”

“It’s not a place you want to go,” said Tonks, “even with the Dementors gone.” She crossed her arms and glanced at Harry. “Aurors and select visitors only.”

“Yeah, that's what Kingsley said.”

“He's protecting you with good reason”

Tonks and Harry cheered and clapped as the trio flew past them.

“Tonks?” Harry ran his hand through his hair and shifted from foot to foot. “You know how Teddy’s hair goes black when he’s asleep?” said Harry, hesitantly. “And he has the really dark eyes?”

The corner of Tonks’s mouth pulled up in a painful smile and she looked at him expectantly.

“I love Teddy no matter what,” said Harry, in a rush, “but Ginny and I, we wondered, with your visits to Azkaban and - and Remus and Sirius - ”

“Only ever being in love with each other?” Tonks reached out and squeezed Harry’s arm before crossing her arms again. “Remus was going to tell you the truth once the war was over.”

“Does Snape know?”

Tonks shook her head. “My parents have always known, and I know Kingsley has his suspicions but most people have been all too happy to believe Remus moved on from Sirius.”

“Remus - Remus would be glad to know Teddy can grow up in a world without Voldemort.”

They were both grieving, she reminded herself, and she didn’t doubt Harry had spent many hours wondering what Remus might have said if he was given another chance at last words. Still, she wondered if he knew how close he was to what Remus said before leaving Lupin Cottage for the last time.

“And you,” she said. “He wanted a better world for you.” 

Harry sniffed and nodded.

“Remus thought you would want to make Sirius proud as a godfather,” she said. The trio flew past again, with Ginny waving Teddy’s hand for him. “Remus didn’t think we needed to worry until you got Teddy on a broom, but I don’t think he was anticipating Ginny’s influence.”

A hiccoughing laugh burst from Harry, and Tonks rubbed his back.

“They’d both be proud of you, Harry,” she said.

Harry took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“Thanks,” he said, in a thick voice. He put his glasses back on and stared at the ground before looking up at Tonks. “I - I never wanted to say anything to Remus about Sirius and you, but I was confused and - ”

“You’d barely come of age, Harry,” said Tonks, “and there was a war going on. How could you not be confused when in the middle of all that Teddy came along and contradicted one of the few things which made sense?”

“Remus loved Teddy,” said Harry, softly.

“He loved you both,” said Tonks.

They looked at each other, smiling sadly, and managed to summon more whoops and cheers in time for the trio flying past with Ginny doing a turn which made Tonks’s stomach lurch and made Teddy shriek with laughter. 

Tonks held out until bedtime when she was reading to Teddy from _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_. Teddy reached out and his small hand grabbed a page, ripping it in half. Tonks scrambled for her wand and with a simple Reparo the page was whole again but her chest heaved with panicked breaths and her eyes stung. She pawed at her eyes and Teddy tried to grab her hands, confused by the sudden halt to his story.

“I miss him,” she whispered, stroking Teddy’s cheek. “I miss him so much.”

Teddy’s dark eyes opened for a brief moment before he settled more heavily in Tonks’s arms as he fed. The slow approach of sleep undoing the day’s metamorphosing, she tucked his black hair behind his ear and she held him in her arms long after he was finished feeding and in a deep sleep.

After she moved Teddy to his crib, Tonks curled up in bed and watched him, wondering when the weeks had turned into months.

Tonks walked into Azkaban alone. She knew Kingsley would accompany her if she asked but she didn’t think she could keep the truth from him if she followed through with her plans for the day. They knew each other too well.

She stopped at the gatehouse, surprising the Auror on duty, and gave the number of the prisoner she wanted to see. The Auror left and Tonks paced back and forth until they returned to tell her the prisoner was waiting in an interrogation room.

Tonks walked through corridors and up staircases. Stone everywhere, metal in between, not even the soft touch of wood. The lamps gave light but no warmth and there was no escaping the sound of the sea trying to reclaim the island. Every step echoed off the stone in a never ending cacophony until she stopped outside the interrogation room. Standing beside the Auror on guard, she looked through the charmed glass to see Snape sitting at the table, golden bonds around his wrists, staring at the wall.

Tonks looked at the Auror beside her and said, “You are going to turn around and pretend there’s no one in there.”

“But - ”

“Take it up with Kingsley.”

“Tonks - ”

“I’ll be safe,” she said, looking through the charmed glass.

She gestured for the Auror to turn around and they did so, albeit unwillingly. The Auror Department was used to bending rules to get around the Ministry's frequent bouts of stupidity but an Auror turning their back on a colleague violated the most basic of their beliefs as a department.

“He isn’t going to try anything,” said Tonks, trying to sound reassuring as she wondered how he managed to stay so still.

“Yet here he is,” said the Auror. 

“And I’m the only Auror assigned to his case,” she said. “By personal request of the Minister for Magic.”

“For Merlin’s sake, the Minister for Magic is Kingsley.” Then they pleaded, “Be careful.”

“What’s the worst he can do?” she said, almost to herself.

She was about to cause an emotional Bombarda and though she had run through scenario after scenario wondering what he would do, she watched him, the stillness which she knew could change in a heartbeat. The subtle magic he could wield capable of taking on the darkest curses. The delicate touch which could bring -

She huffed and stepped away from the window, going into the interrogation room and watching him look up when she closed the door behind her.

“Hello,” she said.

He waited until she sat down before saying, “What errands does Kingsley have you running now?”

“I’m an Auror, not a messenger.” She slipped the photo from her robes and held it in her lap.

“You think I could forget?”

Tonks gave an empty laugh as she looked at the photo of Teddy. Too much of the morning spent with Teddy on her hip while she looked through photos one handed, wondering which would be the kindest introduction, and in the end she settled on a photo Remus took of Teddy in her arms while she showed him the flowers in the garden of Lupin Cottage.

“Then why are you here, Auror Tonks?”

“Auror Tonks?” Her head darted up and she gripped the photo more tightly as it threatened to slip from her fingers. “Really?”

“Polyjuice doesn’t work with a metamorphmagus, so yes, it’s either you or another metamorphmagus is using the guise of Nymphadora Tonks.”

She flinched.

“But I suspect that isn’t the case.”

The flicker of a smile disappeared before she could be sure she'd seen it.

“Severus - ” She looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes, then she swallowed and met his gaze. Those dark eyes. Now or never, now or -

She put the photo on the table. Her hands didn’t shake, that panic had been trained out of her, but her training also meant she was considering how she could bolt from the room. How she could run from a man who was bound and without a wand. She pushed the photo towards him so he could reach it. So he could be introduced to his son.

He looked at the photo and Teddy smiled back at him while Tonks’s gaze didn’t drift from the baby in her arms.

“Yes,” he said, with a bitter laugh, his eyes darting to meet hers. “I heard you and Lupin had a child.”

He pushed the photo back towards her and she grabbed it from the table, put it in her robes, and wrapped her arms around herself.

She wanted to ask how he knew about Teddy but instead she heard herself say, “Remus was my best friend.” She looked up, met Snape’s gaze, and couldn’t stop herself leaning forward. “He was there through everything - everything, Severus - except during the full moon.”

“Tonks?” He looked as if he wanted to say more but he was searching her eyes and deep breaths came but no words. He looked her up and down. “No,” he breathed.

She stood up and he did, too, their metal chairs scraping against the stone floor, his gaze going briefly to the golden bonds. She stared at the bonds, hating herself that she was grateful they were there.

“Tonks,” he said, sharply.

She met his dark gaze and tried to smile but faltered as the preemptive burn of tears stung.

“Edward Sirius Lupin,” she said, “we call him Teddy.”

She started walking towards the door and he raised his voice as he called her name.

“I fell pregnant the last time we slept together,” she said, glancing back, her voice breaking. “You have a son.”

She opened the door and he shouted her name. She stepped out into the corridor and closed the door but not before she heard him shout her name again. She looked at the Auror who had kept to her request and kept their back to the charmed glass.

“I shared some news,” she said, with a tight smile. “He’s taken it better than I expected.”

The Auror looked like they weren’t sure whether or not to laugh as they turned to look into the interrogation room.

“I’m fine,” she said, staring straight ahead at the wall opposite. “But he's probably going to need a minute.”

“Tonks, what in Merlin’s name did you tell him?” they ventured.

Tonks shook her head. She didn’t dare look back through the charmed glass and was about to walk away when she said, “Can - can you tell him that I will come back?”

“Okay,” said the Auror, slowly. “You want a few minutes head start to get out of here before I take him back to his cell?"

Tonks nodded. “Thank you.”

When she Apparated back to the mainland, she looked at where the island prison should be and saw only banks of dark clouds. She turned her back on the stormy sea and began to walk. Pulling her cloak close so it didn’t catch on the long grasses, she picked her away across the hilltop towards open countryside with no destination in mind. When she found a fallen tree to sit on, she pulled out the photo. She couldn’t stop herself smiling as she watched Teddy, even as the pain resurfaced of knowing there would be no more photos taken by Remus. She looked towards the sea, wondering if the flicker was simply the pull of nostalgia and her inability to forget, and knew she would return.


	9. Chapter 9

**1998/1999 - winter**

Tonks made her way through the fortress with one cell in mind. Head held high, she walked along the corridors, tuning out the taunts and insults from prisoners who were curious to see her alive. Some made scathing remarks about her family. Some were her family.

Eventually the corridors held only empty cells. She counted each one as she passed it by. Counted down until his. There was no one else around except for the Auror on duty who kept his distance when Tonks arrived. Her footsteps echoed around her, the only sound besides the gale blowing above waves which were almost black beneath the storm clouds.

The bed had only a thin mattress and blankets above a stone base. He glanced up from the book he was reading. There was a moment’s pause before he put the book down and walked to the bars which covered the front of the cell. 

“I need to know what personal assets you have,” asked Tonks. “Specifically, properties.”

“Only where you’ve been.”

“Spinner’s End was razed by associates of yours after the battle. Nothing could be salvaged.”

There was a flash of pain across his face and she looked away as a night from a lifetime before ran through her mind.

She drew a deep breath and met his gaze. “Nowhere else?” 

“Is the investigation team not up to the job?”

“They've done all they can and they think you’ll tell me.” She bit her lip and when he arched an eyebrow, she admitted, “Kingsley thinks you’ll tell me. Everyone knows there’s no point using Veritaserum or Legilimency on you - ”

“How kind of them.”

“Severus, the Unspeakables aren’t going to come near you,” she said. “They’ve invoked rights the Wizengamot forgot they had. It’s just me asking.”

“Just you?” He looked her up and down, his gaze travelling slowly over her body.

She nodded and tried to ignore the flicker of heat in her belly. Tried to ignore the way his eyes searched hers.

It was ingrained in her not to step closer to the bars and he kept his distance from them, too. But she wanted to. Just another step. Just one.

She stayed where she was and stared at the stretch of stone between them separated by metal bars.

“And I should believe that, why exactly?” he sneered.

“Do you want me taken off your case?” The spark extinguished, she crossed her arms and suppressed a shiver.

“Prisoners don’t get to make that choice.”

“No,” she said, “it would be mine. I’m not going to subject you to something you don’t want.”

“You asked to take on my case, didn’t you?” His mouth pulled up in a bitter smile. 

She gave an empty laugh. “Kingsley had final say.”

“There are no other properties,” he said. “There are three Gringotts vaults.”

“We know about them.” She hesitated. He was watching her intently and gave nothing away when she said, “I’m sorry.” She stepped back. “I’m sorry about Spinner’s End.” Then she walked away.

The Weasleys were packed into the small living room, talking over each other and handing around plates of food. Tonks stood in the doorway of the Burrow’s kitchen and watched Teddy reach out trying to grab wands. He was sitting on Harry’s lap, and both of them were wearing their new Weasley jumpers.

Tonks stepped back when Molly came into the kitchen with a pile of plates and mugs levitating in front of her. The sink filled up, Molly glanced at Tonks and inclined her head, inviting Tonks to join her. Paper chains were strung across the room, a multicoloured explosion of loops which trailed through the whole Burrow. Molly set the dishes to wash themselves.

“Tonks?” said Molly, softly.

“Yes?” said Tonks, hating that her voice was so quick to break.

The Burrow was the last visit of the day. A day spent Apparating with Teddy to see everyone, stopping for a few hours to have dinner with her parents, and wanting Lupin Cottage to be quiet. To be theirs for Christmas, and only theirs.

She was tired, that was all. Lots of Apparating. Too many mince pies. Then Molly held out her arms.

“I miss him,” said Tonks, in a choked whisper, and she let herself be swept into a hug. 

Molly rubbed Tonks’s back and she felt her cobbled together defences crumble. She gripped Molly’s cardigan and cried as quietly as she could. For a moment, Tonks didn’t care what Molly believed. Remus wasn’t there and she wanted him to be. 

Tonks succumbed to another wave of tears when she realised she was being comforted while Molly grieved one of her own children. Molly made soft shushing sounds when Tonks tried to apologise. Her rambled pleas of not meaning to ignore Fred met by firm pats on her back and more reassurances.

Tonks heard Molly quietly tell Arthur to give them a moment, and heard his gentle reply that he would keep everyone out of the kitchen until they were ready. The door closed with a soft thud and Molly hushed Tonk’s apologies.

When Molly levitated trays of mince pies, Christmas pudding, and drinks into the living room, Tonks followed, grateful that no one questioned her brief disappearance. She didn’t protest when Molly bundled her up on the sofa so she could feed Teddy in comfort. With all the excitement, Teddy was already half-asleep by the time he was in Tonks’s arms.

Harry stepped away from the crowd of Weasleys with a plate of mince pies in hand while everyone argued happily about who should get to play first for a round of Wizard’s Chess.

“Mince pie?” said Harry, holding the plate out to her.

“I’ve had enough mince pies to last me until next Christmas,” said Tonks.

Harry laughed and put the plate down. He sat beside Tonks and sunk down on the sofa, stroking Teddy’s foot before crossing his arms.

“How’re you doing?” asked Tonks.

Harry stared at his feet for a long moment before looking at Tonks. “I sort of thought he might be here when I got up this morning.” He gave an empty laugh. “The last normal Christmas was here and - and he was here, too.”

“I still think I hear him in the cottage,” she said. “As if he’s just in a different room.”

Harry stroked Teddy’s foot again and Teddy wriggled. “Sorry,” said Harry, in a rush, as Tonks got Teddy latched on again.

“It’s fine,” said Tonks, as Teddy settled in her arms. “I usually end up interrupting his feeds one way or another.”

“It’s his first Christmas,” said Harry, to himself. 

“And we’re getting to celebrate it without Voldemort because of you,” said Tonks, softly. 

“Yeah,” said Harry. “Did I get him a good present?”

“Perfect,” said Tonks, looking at the toy snitch embroidered with golden threads, and wings made of soft fabric which Teddy had scarcely let go of since Ginny helped him to rip off the paper.

“Good,” said Harry. “Good.” He looked at Tonks and hesitated before saying, “You know Sirius gave me a broom for my first birthday?”

Tonks felt something in her relax for the first time that day and she smiled. “Remus told me.” And though they had both heard stories before, Harry listened happily while Tonks recounted the tales Remus and Sirius used to tell.

Tonks conceded to letting Harry Apparate with her and Teddy to Lupin Cottage to help with all the presents. Harry left the presents - and the mince pies Molly snuck into the pile - on the kitchen table. He hugged a yawning Teddy goodbye, then Tonks, before running down the garden path, pulling the hood of his cloak low against the brewing blizzard and Disapparating back to the Burrow.

Tonks shut the door and held Teddy close. She sang lullabies in a hushed whisper which stopped and started as she got him ready for bed. The busy day made for a quiet bedtime while he held his new snitch close and chewed his fingers.

The crib had been transfigured into a cot which still just fit in her bedroom, and when Tonks lowered a sleeping Teddy down, she stroked his back before pulling up the quilt which matched the one on the bed. Christmas presents from her parents, sewn from sets of Remus and Sirius’s old robes.

The fire gave enough light to see by and she changed into her pyjamas. When she got into bed and arranged the blankets, she smoothed the quilt which lay on top. A smile tugged at her lips as her fingers traced over the patches sewn together with delicate stitches. Sniffing, she wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her top and lay down.

Teddy had grandparents, a godfather, Ginny. Tonks knew she and Teddy had more family than many who came out of the war alive. She rubbed her face and stared at the ceiling, the shadows moving lazily above her as the fire burned low. Her arms on the pillows, she ran her fingers over her plaited hair. There was one person missing from Teddy’s family.

Her hands drifted lower until they were on her belly. The Wizengamot investigations were complete. She knew their decision. She wanted to know what his would be. If he wanted to be in Teddy’s life, then she would find a way for that to happen. She just wanted to know. And all she knew was the next time they met there would be no bars between them, no bonds restraining him. Her fingers stroking her belly, she tried to tell herself she didn’t remember his touch. But as the memories fought through of how he could be gentle and kind, she wondered if she had ever really known him. Wondered if she ever meant anything to him because she was certain she didn’t mean anything to him now beyond being the mother of his child. His child. She turned to look at Teddy, still sound asleep, still holding onto his new snitch.

Had a year really passed since Remus read _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ while she ate clementines? Since she lay crying in his arms and he whispered in a quiet refrain that everything would be okay? Since there was only one stocking which hung empty by the fire instead of two?

Tonks stood beside Kingsley outside a small cottage. Smaller even than Lupin Cottage, though with a similar sized garden. Tonks had seen Spinner’s End before it was razed and the cottage she was looking at now was a castle in comparison. She used a Scourgify on the sign by the gate to reveal the name carved into the wood: Rowan Cottage

Kingsley followed Tonks down the path and into the cottage where he left the front door open so fresh air could follow them. She ran her hands over the rough plastered walls and let her fingers linger on the wooden beams. Kingsley opened the windows in the rooms downstairs then followed Tonks upstairs to where the bedroom and tiny study were. She went to the window and pushed the leaded glass open then turned around to see Kingsley looking at the parcels wrapped in paper on the bed.

“He’s going to know this isn’t Ministry procedure,” said Kingsley.

“It’s just a few basics,” said Tonks, taking the opportunity to plait her hair and ignore Kingsley’s look of disbelief.

He paced back and forth. 

“Does Severus know Teddy is his?”

“Remus is Teddy’s father, was, I mean - ” She sat on the bed, her head in her hands and a quiet moan of pain slipping from her lips.

“I knew Remus,” said Kingsley, softly, sitting beside Tonks on the bed.

She leant against him and he put his arm around her.

“He was a wonderful father,” she whispered.

She didn’t succumb to tears but nonetheless was grateful for Kingsley sitting with her in a silence which was interrupted only by heavy sighs and the birds in the garden and neighbouring woods.

Some days she didn’t know whether to feel grateful she hadn’t cried or guilty that she had found a way to get through without tears. Every night she would look at the photos on the mantelpiece and watch Remus. Some nights she would hold Teddy, point to the different photos, and tell stories. The first time she tried, she managed seconds before crying. Now one story would remind her of another and she would find herself talking about Remus and Sirius until Teddy fell asleep.

Kingsley squeezed her shoulder and she glanced at the package beside her wrapped up in brown paper and tied up with twine. She knew she only needed to return to the cottage once more. She knew Kingsley would give her more reasons to return if she asked. 

“Severus knows,” she said.

Tonks stood outside the gatehouse to Azkaban. The snow swirling around her mixed with the sea spray which ought to have been ice for each freezing hit against her skin. She held another travelling cloak in her arms and looked up when she heard the heavy door creak open.

An Auror accompanied him out and Tonks walked towards them. The Auror nodded at Tonks and she bit her lip as she nodded in return. The Auror turned and jogged the few steps back into the gatehouse. Tonks held out the cloak and after a moment’s hesitation Snape took the cloak and slung it over his prison robes. Her ungloved hands were red from the snow and seawater. Wand in one hand, she held out the other.

“I can get Kingsley if you really want,” she said.

“He certainly has a lot of time for you, doesn’t he?”

With a tight smile, she looked for his hand and took it in hers. His grasp tightened and a hollow laugh fell from her lips. She decided then not to break the journey though she knew she ought to. Fingers flexing around her wand, she turned and they Disapparated.

They Apparated to Rowan Cottage and she stumbled when they landed. Still holding hands, his arm was around her as she found her footing, and he made no move to push her away. She let go of him then stumbled again and he grabbed her. His hold was easier this time and she had to force herself to step back. She pushed her hair from her face and turned away from him. She walked towards the garden gate, stopping to lift the wards and protections she put in place when she first visited.

Aware of him following her, she went into the cottage and stopped in the kitchen where she took several rolls of parchment from inside her robes along with his wand. She had collected them directly from Kingsley at the Ministry earlier that morning, and she handed them to Snape.

He put the papers on the kitchen table and turned the wand in his hands. She watched him run his fingers over the length of wood and when he glanced at her, she looked away.

“These should explain everything,” she said, gesturing to the parchment.

She headed towards the door then paused, her back still to him, biting her lip and eyes closed. She took a deep breath and turned around. He hadn’t moved and his gaze was still fixed on her.

She gestured to a doorway which led off the kitchen. “You should know that you’ve got an owl.”

His eyes narrowed and he walked towards her.

“She’s called Bramble.”

“Bramble?”

“Look,” said Tonks, “I didn’t name her but I - ”

“Just how much have you done?” He came to a halt a couple of steps from her and searched her eyes.

“I knew you might not be ready to go out into Diagon Alley straight away.” She swallowed and looked past him as her eyes stung. Slipping the photo from her pocket, she turned it in her hand and glanced back at him.

His gaze darted to the photo and she held it out to him. He took the photo, studied it for a long moment, then handed it back to her. 

“Severus - ”

“The child is a metamorphmagus,” he said, bluntly. 

She stared at him, her lips parting and an angry smile gracing her lips as she realised the question behind his words. She stepped closer and he met her gaze. Her fingers flexed around her wand and she knew he would be doing the same. She didn’t want to think about how close they were, how there was an echo of butterflies struggling against the storm of her fury. 

“Tonks - ”

"He is your son." The photo tight in her grasp, she stepped back and Disapparated.

When Tonks woke the next morning, Teddy was trying to climb into her bed. Golden snitch in hand, he gave a sleepy babble of, “Ma ma ma.” while Tonks lifted him up. He grabbed at her top and she lay back down, lifting the blankets over them both.

“Happy birthday,” she murmured.

She sank back against the pillow and stared at Remus’s robes which had been hanging on the back of the bedroom door since he left them there.

Teddy wriggled and she stroked his back, glancing down and seeing that he was already drifting back to sleep as he fed. She thought her anger might have convinced Snape that Teddy was his son but she didn’t know if he wanted to be a father. Didn’t know if the echoes of what she felt for him were her grief for Remus in disguise. Remus wanted to be a father and for all the reminders of him, he wasn’t there.

Her gaze drifted back to the robes on the back of the door.

“Why aren’t you here?” she whispered. What she could barely bring herself to think was, “Is it my fault?”

Tonks stood at the front door and glanced at Ginny while Harry kept his hands behind his back. Teddy was crawling down the hallway rug and Tonks swept him up before he could escape outside. 

“Sirius did it for me,” said Harry. “It’s practically tradition.”

Ginny snorted and Teddy was getting more and more excited because two of his favourite people were visiting.

“So, can I give him his present?” Harry was fidgeting in a way which reminded Tonks of Sirius.

“Which toddler version is it?” asked Tonks.

“Might be the Firebolt?”

“Merlin.” Tonks tried to wrangle Teddy who knew exactly what Firebolt meant and wanted to know where the broom in question was. “Sirius would be proud of you.”

“Just keeping with the brand Teddy’s used to,” said Ginny, slyly. 

“And where are your Firebolts?” said Tonks. 

Teddy shrieked with laughter and bounced in Tonks’s arms as Ginny lifted the charm hiding their brooms. Once Teddy was dressed to go out into the cold, Tonks grabbed her cloak, and they all went outside. Ginny and Harry only just managed to mount their brooms before Teddy scrambled onto his. Ginny held Teddy’s hand while Harry held the back of the small Firebolt. As Tonks cheered on the flyers, she thought of how it would have delighted Sirius and terrified Remus to know Teddy could fly before he could walk.

When Tonks put an end to the flying, after Teddy’s protests to carry on turned to cries, she took him up to his room where he fell asleep in minutes. 

“I think his godfather’s ready for a nap, too,” said Ginny, grinning, when Tonks came downstairs and Harry yawned.

“Well earned,” said Tonks.

Harry handed over Teddy’s broom, keeping hold of his own and giving Ginny hers. 

“I didn’t think he’d want to fly for so long,” said Harry, rubbing his face, and yawning again. “It’s different to sharing a broom with him.”

“Well you’ll be better prepared for next time,” said Tonks, brightly, laughing at the dawning realisation on Harry’s face. She reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “I think it was the perfect present.”

“Thanks,” said Harry. “Ginny thought the Junior Firebolt might be too powerful for him.”

Ginny grinned unrepentantly. “I still think he could handle it!”

They shared hugs and goodbyes, then the cottage was quiet again as Harry and Ginny flew back to the Burrow and Teddy slept upstairs. One more visit and then she would get to drop the facade. Except, when her parents turned up with a cake, Tonks’s father and Teddy went out for a walk in the garden to see the plants making it through the winter chill. When the door closed behind them, Tonks took one look at her mother before breaking down. She hadn’t collapsed from grief so badly for months. On the sofa in the living room, Tonks curled up beside her mother. Tonks felt again for the first time in months like the grief might tear her apart as her mother kissed her hair and rubbed her back.

When Teddy and his grandfather came back indoors, Tonks was still on the sofa with her mother, but no longer crying. She knew her eyes would be red and her skin blotchy, but her father didn’t say anything and instead told them about his and Teddy’s walk around the garden.

By the time Teddy was trying to blow out the candle on his cake, Tonks was smiling again. She laughed when she saw the toddler gardening tools her parents had given Teddy, perfect miniatures of what they used which immediately had Teddy wanting to go outside again.

It was almost bedtime, and Teddy was in his pyjamas when an owl arrived with another present. He sat on the floor playing with the wooden Hippogriff Kingsley sent while the owl waited patiently for Tonks to write a quick note of thanks.

She looked up when she heard a giggle and saw owl treats levitating from the box on the counter to the floor in front of Teddy. The owl fluttered down and gently took the treat from Teddy’s hand. 

“Teddy,” she breathed.

She watched him hold his hand out and concentrate, giggling when another treat was levitated from the box. The treat dropped almost immediately to the floor where the owl eagerly snaffled it up. Tonks finished the note, glancing up every few moments to watch Teddy.

The owl sent back to Kingsley, Tonks picked up Teddy. “Finding your magic, aren’t you?” 

Teddy grinned and babbled excitedly. Tonks laughed and kissed his cheek.

Once Teddy was asleep, Tonks padded through to her room. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and turned away, metamorphosing while she stared at the chest of drawers. Another few steps and she found herself opening the drawer. Clothes pushed aside, she saw the photo, saw him, and pushed the clothes back. She shut the drawer and climbed into bed, pulling the blankets close. For the second time that day, she found herself crying. She darted out of the bed, pulled the robes from the back of the door, and took them into bed with her, bundling them up and burying her face in the fabric which was strewn with lines of small stitches sewn over the years.


	10. Chapter 10

**1999 - spring**

Tonks was carrying Teddy while she checked the vegetable patches when there was a crack of Apparition near the cottage.

“Hello,” called Kingsley, opening the gate and coming into the garden. 

“Hello,” said Tonks, as Teddy yelled something which resembled a greeting.

Kingsley walked down the path and Tonks put Teddy down. She whispered in Teddy’s ear, then let go of him. Teddy toddled the few feet to Kingsley who stopped and held out his hands, his expression of surprise and delight causing Tonks to smile.

“You’re walking!” said Kingsley, lifting up Teddy and swinging him around. “When did you learn to do that?”

“Don’t tell Harry,” said Tonks. “I want to surprise him.”

Kingsley bounced Teddy in his arms and Tonks told him about Teddy’s first unsteady steps across the kitchen floor a few days before. Teddy grinned and giggled as Kingsley made a fuss of him.

Tonks made mugs of tea for herself and Kingsley, and took them through to the living room. She found Kingsley sitting on the sofa while Teddy brought over, one at a time, the small toy dragons which Charlie sent for his birthday. Kingsley thanked Tonks for the tea, then from his robes pulled out a potions journal which he handed to her. There was a piece of parchment bookmarking a page, and when Tonks glanced at Kingsley, he nodded with a small smile and she opened the journal.

As she read the title of the paper, her lips parted to speak, and she drew a deep breath. She sat down beside Kingsley and continued to read while he and Teddy played with the dragons. When she was finished she handed the journal back to Kingsley who put it on the small table. She picked up her tea, stealing glances at the journal while Kingsley continued to levitate the dragons for Teddy who toddled around the room after them.

“Do you keep in touch with him?” asked Tonks, when Teddy grabbed his golden snitch and clambered up onto the sofa between her and Kingsley.

“There’s the occasional letter,” said Kingsley, returning the dragons to the floor before picking up his mug of tea.

“Kingsley - ”

“You know him, Tonks.”

“I don’t know if I do.”

After Kingsley left, Tonks owled an Auror she had worked with from time to time. When the reply came with the names of potions journals which could be trusted, Tonks ordered the latest editions from Flourish and Blotts. 

When the owl arrived, Tonks left the parcel up on a shelf, and distracted Teddy from the delivery by metamorphosing. He tried to copy her changing hair and eyes but her thoughts kept wandering to the shelf, and she found herself coming back to black.

Once Teddy was in his bed and sound asleep, Tonks crept back downstairs. She unwrapped the journals and didn’t hesitate to look for his name, flipping through the pages as she walked back upstairs to the bedroom. She sat on the floor near the fire and read his contributions regarding the latest research. Across the journals, his name was on a handful of articles, letters, and notes. She read every word, not caring that she only understood half of it. She understood enough. Her fingers traced his name across the pages each time it appeared.

She rose from the floor and put the journals on a shelf. Her fingers lingered on the handle of the chest of drawers but she glanced at the photos of Remus on the mantelpiece and wandered back to the fire.

“He’s helping modify Wolfsbane Potion for children,” she said, her voice catching. 

The Remus in the photos smiled back at her, gazed at Teddy, walked through the garden, and kissed Sirius. 

“Remus - ” Beginning to cry, she stumbled back to the bed and grabbed the quilt of his and Sirius’s robes, curling up with it in her arms.

The afternoon was clear and bright with a warmth which promised summer wasn’t far away. Tonks stood on the lane, her cloak still swaying from Apparating to Rowan Cottage. She was ready to turn and Disapparate when she saw Snape and Kingsley in the garden.

Both men looked at her. Kingsley with a smile, Snape with indifference. They turned back to each other and Tonks heard the goodbyes, the mentions of the Ministry, then Kingsley was walking towards her. She could Disapparate, she could leave, she could -

She would have to come back. Until she had a real answer, she would have to return. Her heart was racing and hidden beneath the cloak, she gripped the photo of her and Teddy more tightly.

The creak of the garden gate startled her and Kingsley put his hand on her shoulder. Tonks flashed him a weak smile.

“Owl me if you need to,” said Kingsley.

She nodded, then Kingsley stepped away and Disapparated.

Snape was still standing in the garden, hands in his pockets, watching her. Tonks went to the gate, and realised Kingsley had left it open. All she needed to do was walk down a path. A step at a time she made her way along the flagstones, only to falter when Snape walked towards her. Her mind ran through all the possibilities again, from hello to running away. 

“I read about your research,” she blurted out. “In the journals.”

By the slightest fraction, she saw his head tilt as he looked her up and down. Was he waiting for her to leave or enjoying how she floundered? 

“Remus - Remus would be glad to know you’re doing the work you are,” she said.

“Would you even be here if he survived?” asked Snape, as he stepped closer.

Too close.

Not close enough.

“Eventually,” she said. “I would have come eventually.”

Her breath hitched at his bitter laugh.

"Are you certain of that?" he said.

Biting her lip, she looked across the garden, but her gaze was quickly drawn back to his. Those dark eyes. She pressed the photo against his shirt. He found her hand while his eyes searched hers. She slipped her fingers from beneath his, leaving the photo behind, and stepped back.

She walked down the path, hoping he would say her name. Say anything. She stopped to look back. He was watching her, the photo still in his hand.

“I can’t forget you.” A resigned laugh worked through her heaving breaths. “I couldn’t if I wanted to.” The truth spilled from her lips before she could stop it. “I don’t want to forget you.” 

She turned and Disapparated as he called her name.

She Apparated a short distance from Lupin Cottage and walked the longer route home through the fields, taking the time to breathe through the gentle metamorphosing which would disguise her blotchy skin. By the time the cottage was in sight, she planned to tell her parents the visit hadn’t been a complete failure. A plan which fell apart the moment she saw her mother’s expression. Her mother knew precisely why she hadn’t Apparated close to the cottage.

Teddy was beside his grandfather in a flowerbed, while his grandmother had been pruning shrubs with careful wandwork. Tonks lowered herself to the ground beside Teddy and her mouth pulled up in a sad smile whenever she caught her mother’s gaze. 

While Teddy was playing with a set of wooden blocks before going to bed, Tonks balanced a box of photos on her lap and went through them until she put together a small stack which showed how Teddy had grown, how he played, how he flew with Harry and Ginny, and how he gardened with his grandparents.

She found parchment and a quill, then found another when Teddy wanted to join her. She sat him on her lap, and together they scrawled on the parchment until Teddy’s hands were covered in ink. After she cleaned him up, she tried again to write but the words wouldn’t come. Photos. All she needed to do was owl the photos to him. She wrapped them up and before she could question herself again, she sent their owl, Tyto, on his way. Perhaps Snape’s answer would save her needing to ask the question. If he answered at all.

Tonks swore and pawed at her eyes before turning back to Teddy who was playing with strips of parchment she had transfigured into feathers.

She left the window wide open for the owl’s return, and still her head kept darting up with the thought she had heard Tyto wanting in.

When Tyto returned with a note attached, Tonks leapt up to take from him the small piece of parchment on which was written: _I didn’t doubt your capabilities but still I am grateful to see Teddy happy. Will you tell me why you don't appear in any of the photos?_

Because you don’t want me, she thought. Was this his ploy? To make her spell out what he didn’t want to? To take that burden from him?

While Teddy tried to levitate treats for Tyto, Tonks found a piece of parchment.

“Ty, Ty, Ty,” babbled Teddy, happily. 

Sitting at the table, Tonks rubbed her eyes then watched Tyto waiting patiently before fluttering around the kitchen to wherever the treats landed before hopping back to Teddy and giving affectionate nips at Teddy’s pyjamas.

Holding the quill above the parchment, Tonks made to start writing several times only to stop. A quiet moan slipped from her lips and she took a deep breath. It was only a note. Only an answer. Except she wanted answers from him, and not to be giving her own. Golden restraints, waves crashing against stone, his dark eyes. The memories of Azkaban swirled in her mind. His hand in hers as they Disapparated. Stumbling. Forgetting for a moment so small that she shouldn’t be against him. The exquisite pain of stepping back when it felt all too familiar to be there in his arms. His coldness, reserved just for her. 

Teddy laughed as Tyto fluttered to snaffle the treat which landed near the kitchen door. The owl flew back and tolerated gentle strokes from Teddy.

Tonks looked back at the parchment, and wrote: _I meant it. I won’t subject you to something you don’t want. Which includes seeing me. At least, no more than necessary to make this work for Teddy, if that’s what you want. If you don’t, then I stand by what I said in Azkaban._

Apologising to Teddy who had plundered more of the treats than she realised, and to Tyto who was gratefully eating what he was given, Tonks sent the owl back to Rowan Cottage with her reply.

She charmed the feathers to dance around Teddy and he tried to grab them from the air while she held Snape’s note. It wasn’t even a letter, just a handful of words. She followed the lines of writing with her fingers, then rolled up the parchment only to unroll it again.

Teddy was asleep in his bed, and Tonks was trying to keep herself busy around the cottage when Tyto returned. The owl flew through the still open kitchen window and Tonks fumbled the box of owl treats, dropping them on the floor when she realised Tyto had brought nothing on his return. With a few waves of her wand, the treats were back in the box and she gave one to the owl, stroking him absentmindedly while she thanked him. 

Tonks found herself going across the small landing several times to check on Teddy before she made herself get into bed. She stared at the note on the bedside table, then reached out and picked up the slip of parchment, re-reading his words as she rolled onto her back.

Her hand drifted down to her belly and she traced the hidden scars. The scars he asked her to stop hiding, which he followed with a light touch, and didn’t run from but pressed his lips to whether or not she was metamorphosing.

She was imagining the flicker in her belly.

A rapping at the window jolted her from memories which didn’t know their place. Leaving the note near the pillow, she rushed out of bed and across the room. The cool spring air came in along with an owl who flew to the chair beside her.

“Bramble!” Tonks looked the owl up and down, stroking the owl’s head before trying to untie the note. She swore and tried again to retrieve the small piece of parchment, before putting her hands on her hips, and looking up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, Bramble, I’m - this is - I - ” She glanced at the owl who ruffled her feathers and continued to wait patiently. “It’s just a note.” Tonks tried again to remove the parchment and Bramble made a small noise when Tonks was successful. “Thanks.”

All she needed to do was unroll the parchment. Instead, she patted her shoulder. “Come on, the treats are downstairs.”

Bramble flew to Tonks’s shoulder and together they went down to the kitchen. Tonks gave the owl a couple of treats and was about to open the window when she looked at the parchment still in her tight grasp. She glanced at Bramble.

“Is it bad?” she whispered.

The owl nipped affectionately at Tonks and ruffled her feathers.

Tonks traced her fingers across the edge of the parchment and unrolled the note. She read the words and whimpered. No. Why couldn’t he give her an answer? She bit her lip and felt the sting of tears, startling when Bramble nipped at her again. She apologised to the owl, and with shaking hands, opened the window.

She made her way upstairs in a haze, stopping without thinking at the door of Teddy’s bedroom, and watched him sleep. Her old bed had been replaced with a smaller one he could climb in and out of. He clutched his golden snitch and the quilt of old robes.

When the breeze blew past her, she realised she had left the window open in her bedroom. Padding through, she closed the window, then went to the chest of drawers. She took out the Daily Prophet article, pressed beneath clothes for so long the creases in the paper were sharp.

She wandered over to the bed and picked up the other note which lay by the pillow. The three pieces of him in her hands, she sank down onto the bed, and her gaze didn’t drift from his words. The words which still weren't the certainty she longed for. 

Sleep took her with exquisite slowness. Of the notes and the newspaper still in her hand, the most recent was the first to fall as she let go in slumber. On her pillow lay the parchment with the words: _I cannot look at Teddy without seeing you. I find I can’t forget you, either._


	11. Chapter 11

**1999 - summer**

Tonks had been wearing a path around the cottage since the early hours. Even the temptation of wondering if Teddy was asleep seemed to rouse him from what rest he had been lulled into. Swaying back and forth by the window, she pushed the curtains aside, and saw the beginnings of the solstice dawn. Sighing heavily, she let the curtains fall back into place.

She looked at Teddy and found him watching her.

“Come on,” she murmured, moving him to her hip while she walked through the cottage and back to the bedroom. 

It didn’t take long for Tonks to get herself and Teddy dressed. The early morning was already warm, and the skies were clear. She went back downstairs with him and looked for the sling she had flung over a chair the day before. Holding Teddy close, she wrapped the heavy gold and black fabric over her shoulders and around them both in sweeping passes before tying it at her waist. She pulled a light cloak on, and then they left the cottage.

The fields and paths were like a secret all of their own as Tonks walked and told Teddy the stories she remembered from when her parents would take her out for solstice walks. Teddy didn’t fall asleep but rested his head against her and gripped tightly the golden snitch from Harry which rarely left his grasp.

They were near the woods when Tonks stopped. The sun would soon be coming over the horizon and Tonks looked to the east. Would he take part in the old traditions? The solstice could be used for all kinds of magic. She was using it to settle Teddy and wondered -

“A short Apparition, promise.” 

One hand gently on Teddy’s head, the other wrapped around her wand, she turned and they Disapparated. They Apparated to a deserted lane on the edge of woodland, and she could see Rowan Cottage in the distance. Teddy sneezed, and Tonks smiled then kissed his hair. Then her smile faltered.

“Just a walk,” she said, as they made their way slowly along the lane.

The sun was coming up and Teddy leant more heavily against her with each step she took towards the cottage. It was as if the solstice had cast a spell upon her, the moment in time still a secret between her and Teddy, as if they were still at home and she were dreaming. Except, in the distance, she could see someone in the garden.

The chattering birds stirred Teddy from the beginnings of slumber but he only yawned and wriggled for a moment before Tonks rubbed his back and he settled again. 

She didn’t know how she was able to keep walking when each step was like wading through an enchantment. He had his back to them and she wondered how much longer she could go unnoticed. Then a flock of birds flew from the trees and startled Teddy who dropped his snitch on the ground when he looked up to try and find where the noise came from. Tonks summoned the snitch and placed it in Teddy’s desperate hands, but not before he gave a cry of upset. Eyes closed, she pressed her lips to Teddy’s hair and tried to take deep breaths. Her fingers flexed around her wand and her eyes flew open when she heard the garden gate open and close. Glancing up, she saw him walking slowly towards them, his cloak billowing gently. Another deep breath and she raised her head as he stopped a couple of feet from them.

“Solstice walk,” said Tonks.

“You’ve come a long way for a walk,” said Snape.

Teddy looked up when he heard the new voice. A smile tugged at Snape’s lips while he watched Teddy.

“A long walk for a long night,” said Tonks. “We’ve been awake for hours.”

Teddy reached up to pat Tonks’s cheek and she scrunched up her nose when his drooled on hand smacked against her skin. She kissed his fingers, and took his hand from her before wiping her cheek.

“I should probably keep walking,” she said. “It’s the only thing which has settled him so far.”

“Would you like company?” 

Tonks nodded. “I’m not sure we’ll be very good company, though.”

He murmured her name and she looked away towards the sunrise before turning back to him. Teddy began to wriggle and Tonks swayed gently. She rubbed his back and he settled again but she knew the reprieve would be brief. 

“We wouldn’t be disturbing you from what you were doing for the solstice?” she asked.

He shook his head, and when she started to walk, he fell into step beside her.

“There are paths through the woods,” he suggested.

Tonks kissed Teddy’s head then looked up, taking a deep breath when she saw Snape watching her. 

“Lead the way,” she said.

They walked further down the lane and then onto a path. They stepped into the cooler woods as dawn began to cast the world in gold. Fractions of light filtered through the canopy and they walked through the dappled beginnings of summer.

“My parents used to take me on walks every solstice,” said Tonks, wanting to break the silence between them.

“My mother would do rituals,” said Snape. “Simple ones at the kitchen table so long as my father wasn’t around.”

“I used to try and watch mum doing rituals but she can use wards and silencing charms better than anyone else I know.”

“A family trait?”

Tonks laughed, then Teddy huffed as he began to paw at her top. Stopping on the path, she looked around, then spotted a fallen tree. Snape followed her off the path while she picked her way through bracken and branches. Teddy was yanking on Tonks’s top and while she knew he could feed while she walked, she wanted to stop. Wanted to try and think. Wanted all at once to be alone and to be with Snape. She sat down carefully on the tree trunk and adjusted her top, then rubbed her forehead before pulling her cloak around Teddy to keep the coolest of the breeze from disturbing him.

Snape had come to a halt a few feet away.

“You can sit down, you know,” she said.

“How are you?” he asked, as he stepped through the shadows of branches dancing nearby and sat beside her in the shade.

“I’ve been awake since about two this morning,” she said. “I wasn’t kidding about our long night.” She looked down at Teddy and saw his eyes were closed.

“Yes,” said Snape. “It appears to have finally taken its toll on Teddy.”

“Walking seems to be all that helps sometimes,” she said. “He should sleep for a while.”

They sat in a silence interrupted only by the woodland waking up. Spiderwebs heavy with dew shone like precious treasures in what golden light of the sunrise filtered through the canopy. A rabbit bounded out from behind a tree and across the path to disappear beneath the bracken.

“Did you know you were pregnant when you were taken to the Manor?

"I had a hunch."

"A hunch?"

"I'd missed a couple of periods and - "

She stood up slowly, her hand cradling Teddy’s head, and started to make her way through the undergrowth. As she walked back towards the path, she adjusted her top and the swathe of fabric around Teddy. Snape followed a few steps behind.

"The morning sickness started a couple of weeks before,” she admitted.

“And still you fought.”

She made a murmur of agreement.

“How was your recovery?”

Tonks watched birds hopping around a puddle further along the path. “No worse than other curses. It's just that this time the sickness didn't stop, and it’s not as if you can heal the aftereffects of the Cruciatus anyway.”

“There are potions which can help ease recovery,” he said, as if he couldn't stop himself.

“Only if you have them.”

"Quite."

She came to a halt and he stopped, his gaze lingering on her. The breeze moved the branches above them and shadows moved around them.

“Please stop looking at me like I'm about to die,” she said. “We survived, Severus. That can be enough.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For?” she asked, more pointedly than she planned to.

There was a brief hint of a smile, then he said, “I’m sorry for doubting you.” His gaze drifted down to Teddy. “It was bad enough that you were tortured at the Manor - that you were pregnant as well - it was easier to try and think you were lying.”

“It’s not as if you knew.” Tonks started to walk again when Teddy sighed heavily in his sleep. Snape fell into step with her. “Even if you did, what could you have done?”

She glanced at him but he was watching the path ahead. She could still feel the cold marble, his hand around her wrist, the echoes of burning.

“I almost told you,” she said. “Before you left.”

“Even though you thought I was one of the Dark Lord’s men?”

“I thought - I thought I could still see - I wanted to believe you were still the same person you always had been and then I realised I didn’t know who you ever were.” Her words came out in a rush and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him when she could still see him under the night’s sky, his dark gaze illuminated by the Lumos.

“Tonks?”

“Yes?”

Her heart was hammering as she picked her way across the path where fallen branches and rocks were scattered everywhere, and streams of water cut paths of their own. Without thinking, she held out her free hand, her head jolting up when his warm hand slipped around hers. A flick of his wand cleared the way and he guided her down the slope which was riven with deep gouges inflicted by a storm. Her grasp tightened as she kept a hand on Teddy’s head, and Snape led her across the uneven ground. The breeze stirred up her hair and it stuck to her mouth.

They came to a halt when the path levelled out and they were clear of the debris. He swept her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Neither of them made to let go of the other’s hand.

“I have been over and over that night so many times,” she said. “And I have tried to figure out what I meant to you. What I mean to you.”

Her grasp on him tightened before he could let go.

He searched her eyes, his gaze drifting to her mouth before he looked away into the woods. 

Teddy gave a cry.

Tonks and Snape let go of each other.

“I should be getting home,” she said, withdrawing her wand as she stroked Teddy’s back while he looked around, bleary eyed. He grouched and wriggled, even as she swayed gently. “Severus.” Her voice catching brought Snape’s attention back to her. “Please.”

“Perhaps we could go on more walks.”

“Yes.” She looked away, her gaze going to Teddy. “Walks.” Her hand cradling his head, she pressed her lips to his hair. She glanced at Snape then closed her eyes and murmured to Teddy, “Just a short Apparition.” 

She turned and they Disapparated.

Tonks Apparated to Lupin Cottage and wasted no time in getting indoors. She didn’t bother trying to settle Teddy in his bed, but went straight to hers. He lay beside her, soon asleep with his golden snitch held close. Turning her face to her pillow, she gasped for breath, not wanting to give the storm inside her the satisfaction of tears. When Snape took her hand, his touch was the kind and gentle one she remembered him healing her with. The touch she could no longer pretend she hadn’t felt echoes of when they Disapparated from Azkaban. In the woods, her hand in his, she found an answer she couldn't ignore.


	12. Chapter 12

**1999 - autumn**

Tonks Disapparated from her parents’ cottage after one last look at the window, where behind drawn curtains, Teddy was sound asleep. The daylight had long since faded, and when she Apparated to the lane she struggled at first to find Rowan Cottage in the dark, the overcast skies stopping even the stars from guiding her. But then she saw the soft glow from behind curtains.

“Lumos.”

She knew there was no point putting a silencing charm on the gate when crossing the wards would give away her presence. The front door opened, lamplight flooding outside, and he stood in the doorway.

“Nox.”

She didn’t have new photos with her. There was no Ministry business to occupy conversation. With a force she couldn’t ignore as the weeks passed, she knew she needed to come alone to Rowan Cottage. Just one more time. Her fingers flexed around her wand as she walked towards him. The cold breeze pushed the hood of her cloak down. Pink strands of hair danced around her face and she tucked them behind her ear.

Snape leant against the door frame, arms crossed, and made no movement to suggest Tonks might be welcome to come in. She stopped a couple of feet from the door and looked out across the garden which was little more than layers of shadows. Where the lamplight crept past him to find its way outside, she could see the edges of plants, and the stones glinting with the promise of frost. Her head darted up when a bird called out, cutting through the quiet night. And still, all he did was watch her. She knew she could turn around and he would let her go.

She wondered if he could hear her heart pounding as she slipped her wand away and walked up to the doorstep. Reaching for his shoulder to steady herself, the warmth of his body through soft cotton almost painful against her cold hands, she leaned closer and pressed her lips to his.

He didn’t respond and she lingered for a moment as the brief flicker of hope that he was simply unsure was extinguished when still no desire met her own. Turning away, she hoped she could swallow the threat of tears until she could get through the wards and Disapparate. Her hand swept down from his shoulder and she stepped away. He grabbed her arm and she turned sharply, his hand moving down to take hers and pull her closer. When she stumbled, he slipped his arm around her. She met his dark gaze and held onto his shirt. She swallowed, still unsure of whether or not she should run, even as she leant closer.

When her lips met his, he responded in kind and she deepened the kiss. He let her hand go and she pulled away, her panic soaring in the moments it took before his hand was on her cheek. She grasped his shirt tightly with both hands.

“Can we do this?” she asked, before stealing a kiss, desperate for the reminder of what once existed and could never exist in the same way again.

“Only if you want to.”

“And you?”

He kissed her and she couldn’t stop the soft moan his touch elicited from her before he pulled away. Her grip on his shirt fracturing when he let go of her. He stepped back and held the door open, closing it behind her when she walked into the cottage.

When she tore her attention from wandering around the kitchen and her gaze returned to him, her body raced with a thrill which left her wanting to sit down and put her head between her legs.

“Should I pretend I don’t know where the bedroom is?” She crossed her arms and chewed her lip. 

“I think you need to lead the way,” he said, searching her eyes.

She nodded and walked past him, reaching out to brush the rough plaster and beams then snatching her hand back and crossing her arms more tightly than before. The lamplight flickered and shadows danced around her as she walked up the narrow creaking stairs, aware of him only a few steps behind her.

The bedroom was as she remembered it with the large bed dominating the space. Except now there were books stacked on the bedside tables and clothes over the armchair. The well stoked fire gave enough light to see by and the room was warm. 

Trying to avoid his gaze, she put her cloak over the armchair. He stood just inside the room, hands in his pockets, watching her easily. She shrugged her robes off and put them on top of the cloak. She left her boots on the floor beside the armchair then swept her hair over her shoulder.

A step closer was all she could manage before she turned her back on him, her hands on her hips as she chewed her lip and stared at the floorboards. He had been the last person to see her undress with the intention of finding pleasure. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate.

“You’re metamorphosing?” 

“No?” She winced when she opened her eyes and saw her hair was now a cascade of molten silver. 

His hands came to rest on her waist and she leant against him. She undid her trousers and pushed them down as one of his hands slipped under her top and moved around her body. Her rapid breaths weren’t slowed as his hand which still rested against her waist began to drift lower until he was between her legs. Whimpering, she pressed herself against him.

His touch sparked memories she’d all but forgotten, and as he began to undo her, she murmured his name. His hold on her tightened as her moans were punctuated by gasping breaths. Her hands grasped his arms and she stretched against him, pushing up on her tiptoes. She panted but made no move to be out of his embrace. With a cry which faded into soft sighs, she collapsed against him and he brought his hand back up to her abdomen, eliciting another whimper from her when he pressed his hand against her.

She closed her eyes, and half expected to be in her own bed when she opened them. Instead she saw a room she had been in only once before and with the barest flicker of hope that she might see it again.

He stroked her belly slowly and she knew he was waiting for her. She stroked his arms and he let go of her, his hands going to her hips when she wobbled for the briefest moment.

She pulled her top off in one quick motion and it landed on her robes, followed quickly by the rest of her clothes. A deep breath and she turned around, her gaze fixed on the floor. He nudged her chin until she was looking at him.

“Do you want to be here?”

“I do,” she said, her voice catching, even as she smiled.

“Then - ”

“Last time we slept together, I fell pregnant, and then the world fell apart.”

“Only one of those was because we slept together.”

She gave a hiccoughing laugh and walked over to the bed where she stood hesitating for a moment before she pushed the duvet back and climbed in. She sat down and pulled the duvet close. Watching him undress and put his clothes on the armchair beside hers, she took note of how the war and Azkaban had changed him.

“Would you rather just sleep?” he said, walking around the bed to get in from the other side and lying down propped up on one arm. 

She shook her head, cheeks burning gently as she looked away from him to watch the fire.

“I haven’t got any injuries,” she said, with a rueful laugh. “No curses to heal.”

“Do you want to change that?” he drawled.

“Miss me kicking and screaming?” She turned so she was kneeling beside him. “I haven’t thrown up once tonight. You must be disappointed.” She glanced at the mantelpiece and the clock which sat above the fire.

“You’re not staying, are you.”

She shook her head and smiled apologetically.

“Tonks - ”

She leant closer and cut him off with a kiss. She was tired. And there was a part of her which wanted nothing more than to fall asleep somewhere safe. With someone safe. She eased herself down onto the bed and onto her back. Her leg nudging his, she did her utmost to keep her lips on his as he moved to be above her. Her feet traced up his legs until she was pressing them into his back.

Years of uncertainty retreated to the shadows. Her hands drifted up through his hair, raced down to grab his shoulders, and fell back against the pillows. Her soft lips did little to stray from his, though when she arched her back, he kissed her neck and she turned her head to let him stay there for a moment. 

She caught his dark gaze and brushed her thumb over his lips, wondering how it could feel as though no time had passed when their worlds had changed. How for all the time since they were last together, every touch came naturally. Pressing her thumb against his lips, she laughed when he opened his mouth and bit her thumb gently. She took his face in her hands but before she could kiss him, he elicited a deep moan from her and she closed her eyes, only to remember how much she missed the glint in the dark gaze she knew was watching her.

Digging her fingers into his shoulders, her heart raced, and she panted his name. Pleading for a kiss, she whimpered when his grasp tightened and he paused to press his lips to her neck. She swore and his low laugh wound the tension in her even further. She tried to steal a kiss, only to moan against his mouth.

With his lips on hers, with a war behind them, with - 

She didn’t know what was ahead of them.

For a fraction of a moment she hesitated, uncertainty coursing through her veins, and she pulled away.

He caught her gaze, and she searched his eyes while her body ached for him to elicit a climax to the brewing ecstasy instead of pausing for her insecurities.

“What do you want?” she asked, quietly.

“You,” he said, without hesitation.

She closed the distance, and her lips brushing his, she said, “I want to come before I have to leave.”

He laughed and she stole a kiss before falling back against the pillows as she tightened her legs around him.

She took his face in her hands and he drew a deep moan from her when she tried to speak.

“Severus - ”

He kissed her jaw. “I thought you wanted to come.”

“I want you,” she whispered. His dark gaze met hers and she moaned against his mouth. “I want you.”

He smiled softly when her gaze returned to him after watching shadows on the ceiling as she stroked the back of his hand absentmindedly. 

“Why are you hiding?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“You really want to see them?”

“They’re a part of you.”

A scar emerged where his fingertips traced paths across her body. Her breaths coming in a slow rhythm as more were unveiled. His fingers lingered on a scar which wrapped around her ribs and trailed down her spine. She took his hand from her and intertwined her fingers with his.

“It was worse than you let on, wasn’t it?” she said.

“The curse or the kick you landed on my shoulder?”

“Both?” She laughed, the fraction of ease feeling like a precious treasure.

“Isn’t it enough that you survived?”

She shook her head.

“It was a slow working curse, and I only knew for certain you had recovered when I saw you at the battle.”

“Severus?” The ease fractured. She leaned closer, searching his face, and nudged his shoulder.

“And it was one of the reasons why your news of Teddy was a surprise.”

“Oh,” she breathed. Then as if the air had been pushed out of her, she gasped. “Oh.” 

He pulled her close and she sank back onto the bed beside him, resting her head on his shoulder as he stroked her back. Her hand on his body, she could feel his steady heartbeat and didn’t realise how sorely she had missed it. 

“One of the reasons?” she asked, quietly.

“You are a powerful Auror who used to regularly take on Death Eaters,” he said, “but apparently a simple charm evaded you the last time we did this.” 

She laughed, and kissed him before getting out of bed and finding her wand. Making a show of casting the charm, she basked in his low laugh before glancing at the clock. She went to the armchair, keeping her back to him as she dressed. 

She tried to keep her focus as she perched on the edge of the armchair and put on her boots, when he joined her and got dressed. He picked up her cloak, and when she stood, he slung it around her shoulders and sorted the fixings. When he was done, he smoothed the cloak over her arms and she held the unbuttoned edges of his shirt.

“Severus, I - ” Her heart was pounding and she wanted to sit down. “Severus - ”

She closed the distance and pressed her lips to his, unable to stop the feeling he might still push her away after their fraction of a night together. Then she pulled back, biting her lip as her eyes stung. She caught his gaze and closed her eyes. Her breaths were still coming too rapidly. 

“I didn’t know - ” She opened her eyes and met the dark gaze watching her. “I didn’t know if I was ever more than an easy lay because we were both in the Order.”

“You’re still wondering, aren’t you?”

“No,” she choked out.

“Tonks - ”

“Would you have tried to find me?”

He searched her eyes. For a brief moment, she thought she might fall, and didn’t understand why his hold on her tightened. Then he brought his hand up to stroke her cheek and she leant instinctively towards his warm touch. 

“Severus?”

“Your silence would have been answer enough.” He leaned closer then said, “You were always clear on what you wanted before.” He pressed his lips to her jaw. “If you hadn’t tried to find me, I would have assumed it was because you wanted nothing to do with me.”

"What about Teddy?"

"He's a Lupin.”

She sniffed and pawed at her eyes. Her head resting against his, she listened to the crackling of the fire as he held her.

He found her hand and led her from the room. No haste in their steps, only her cloak brushing against the stairs as they descended.

He opened the front door and the cold night air slid between them. Despite the heavy cloak she wore, Tonks shivered and grasped Snape’s hand more tightly. She closed her eyes, and a moment later, his lips were on hers. The brief kiss afforded no opportunity for more and then he was pulling away. 

“Severus.” She wanted to stop time for a moment. To stop and breathe when it felt as though all the air did around her was steal warmth. Meeting his dark gaze, she was thrown off balance by the force of the butterflies, and paused for too long. She felt the change, the uncertainty, the loosening of his grasp on her. She swallowed and closed her eyes before drawing a deep breath and looking at him again. “Would you like to, I mean, if you want to,” she bit her lip and wanted to scream at herself, “Lupin Cottage, would you like to visit tomorrow or whenever you’re free, I mean, Teddy would love to see you.”

“I would very much like to see Teddy,” said Snape. “When tomorrow?”

They agreed on a time and with each word spoken their hold on each other fractured further. Then she was walking away. Neither able to say goodbye. Before she Disapparated, she turned back. He was still watching her.

She Apparated to her parents cottage. They assured her Teddy was still sound asleep but she found herself going upstairs and into her old bedroom where Teddy’s bed was near hers. Kneeling on the floor, she watched him sleep, and when he wriggled, she adjusted his blanket and stroked his cheek.

Despite knowing when Snape would arrive, Tonks still jumped when there was the knock at the door. Teddy ran into the hallway while Tonks picked her way through the toys. She lifted him up before opening the door.

“Hello!” said Teddy, waving at Snape when neither he nor Tonks said anything.

“Hello,” said Snape, his mouth pulling up in a small smile. 

Tonks invited Snape in, and closed the door behind him.

“Please,” she said. “Take your cloak off.”

He thanked her as he took off his cloak and hung it up. She tried not to think of when he had last been inside Lupin Cottage and huffed as the butterflies betrayed her.

“Teddy, this is - this is Severus.” She watched Teddy, his curious gaze as he took in Snape, then unable to stop herself she looked at Snape and caught him glancing at her. “Severus, this is Teddy.”

“Hello Teddy,” said Snape. 

“Hello,” repeated Teddy, who appeared enchanted by Snape. 

“Severus is a friend,” said Tonks, though Teddy’s attention was on Snape. “One of mama’s friends.”

Teddy wriggled and Tonks put him down gently. He walked the few steps to Snape who crouched down.

“Teddy meda,” said Teddy, in the serious way only a toddler could.

Tonks was about to tell Snape what Teddy meant when Teddy began to metamorphose. Teddy and Snape’s gazes were fixed on each other. Tonks watched Teddy’s hair change from bright blue to black, and his eyes darken to be like that of - of his father’s. Tonks inhaled sharply and Snape glanced at her before turning back to Teddy.

“Yes,” said Snape. “I know you’re a metamorphmagus.”

Teddy nodded, pleased that Snape understood, then he pointed at Tonks. “Mama meda.”

Snape laughed. “Yes, your mama is a metamorphmagus, too.”

“Meda?” asked Teddy, pointing at Snape.

Snape shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’m not.”

“Dags?” said Teddy.

Snape looked at Tonks.

“Dragons,” said Tonks.

“Dags,” repeated Teddy, before running off towards the living room. 

Snape stood up, but before he or Tonks could speak, Teddy came running back into the hall with one of his dragons.

“Dags!” said Teddy, proudly.

“Do you want to show Severus all the dragons that Charlie’s sent you?” asked Tonks. Teddy nodded and grinned. Tonks ruffled his hair. “Come on, then.”

Teddy ran ahead and Tonks looked at Snape. Tonks smiled shyly, then inclined her head towards the living room, wondering at Snape’s curious expression and the hint of a smirk on his lips.

Tonks and Snape sat on either end of the sofa, and she explained how Charlie had given her the options of letting him send every dragon toy he found or sending a real one. Teddy brought over his toys and told stories about each one. Tonks watched with quiet surprise how at ease Snape was with Teddy. And then Snape reached to pick up a dragon Teddy pointed to. In Teddy’s haste to help, Snape’s sleeve caught and was pulled back revealing his Dark Mark which lay among faded scars.

Snape went very still, and Teddy studied Snape’s arm before looking up at him. The brand was a shadow of what it once was, yet it was still recognisable to anyone who had seen a Dark Mark when they still used to burn.

“Owie?” asked Teddy.

Snape’s gaze darted to Tonks.

“Big owie, I think,” she said, softly.

Teddy looked at Tonks.

“Mama kiss,” said Teddy.

Almost without thinking, Tonks kissed her fingers then reached to press them to Snape’s arm. She pulled away, her fingers brushing over his scars until, for the briefest moment, her hand caught in his.

“Thank you,” murmured Snape, pulling his sleeve down.

Tonks sat back and found herself getting lost in how Snape listened to Teddy’s excited babbling. How he rubbed his left forearm absentmindedly from time to time. How he would glance up and catch her watching, only to look back at Teddy before she could think to smile.

Teddy’s stories began to stumble and he rubbed his eyes. He picked up his golden snitch and crawled onto Tonks’s lap, pawing at her top and beginning to grouch. 

“Nap time,” said Tonks, rubbing Teddy’s back as he clambered over her. Teddy in her arms, she stood up and kissed his cheek. “I’ll just take him up, I shouldn’t be long.”

“Don’t rush on my account,” said Snape.

“Please,” she said, “feel free to grab a book or - ”

Teddy’s grouching increased.

“I will manage,” said Snape.

Tonks nodded and left the room to go upstairs, trying not to wonder if Snape was thinking of when he was last at Lupin Cottage. 

When Teddy was sound asleep, Tonks eased herself from his bed and out of the room. She was at the bottom of the stairs when she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Dark eyes and black hair. She was so used to metamorphosing with Teddy, and with the distraction of Snape in the cottage -

Glancing down the hall, she saw his cloak still hanging up. She didn’t want to be surprised and yet there was a part of her which was. Her gaze returned to the mirror. She let her hair flood a deep purple, and her eyes her own soft brown. He would notice, of course he would. There was no safe place to metamorphose to. Staring at herself in the mirror, she traced the contours of her face, her fingers lingering on her lips. She had metamorphosed the night before. Twice. With him near her, and against her. Her hair flooded with pink, then silver. She ignored that he would have heard her coming down the stairs minutes earlier. Her heart was pounding and Teddy was asleep and now it was just them again. Teddy. She and Teddy had been blue because of the dragons, and she let herself return to how she looked when Snape had arrived. 

When she walked in, he looked up from a Dark Arts book he was reading, one which she left on the coffee table earlier that morning. She sat down, and with a wave of her wand, the toys on the sofa returned to a basket on the floor. He put the book back on the table. The distance of a couple of cushions felt like a chasm. Barely twelve hours earlier they had - 

“We need to talk,” he said.

“Oh,” she said, leaning back. Her cheeks burned as she realised what expectations had begun to stir in her, and that were now to be firmly shoved away. “Of course, I’m sorry.” 

“Who knows about Teddy?”

“That I have him or that you’re his father?” 

“Both.”

Tonks curled up on her end of the sofa, careful to keep her feet from touching him. She looked down at the hem of her cardigan and fiddled with a loose thread.

“I told mum and dad the truth a few days after Remus found out,” she said. “Harry’s his godfather, but I didn’t tell him about you until after the war. Same with Ginny and Kingsley. Though I know they all had suspicions.” She ploughed through the storm clouds. “Remus knew from the beginning.”

“Who knows that you have Teddy?”

“Some of the Order,” she said. “I think a few of them have suspicions about whether or not Remus is, was, I mean,” Tonks groaned, “hardly anyone knew I survived the Manor, and most of them who did were all too happy to believe Remus - Remus moved on - and Teddy’s a metamorphmagus, so most people write off any differences because of that.”

“Tonks - ”

“He’s never been to Diagon Alley or the Ministry.” She stared out of the window and pawed at her eyes. 

“Tonks - ”

“I'm not ashamed. I don't regret - I just want to protect him. The war isn't far enough away.”

He said her name more sharply and she turned back to him.

She wanted to reach out to him. He frowned and rubbed his forehead. Then he reached across the sofa. His fingers brushing hers. It was the smallest touch and somehow still felt more intimate than their night together.

“I'm glad you've protected him,” said Snape.

She didn't trust herself to speak. She wanted to cross the small distance between them but instead she got up and took the box of photos down from the shelf. Hesitating, she wondered where to sit, then returned to where she had been before and put the box between them. 

Giving him the photos one at a time, she watched his reactions and answered questions. She told him things he wouldn't know to ask, and blinked back tears whenever Remus appeared.

She lingered on one photo, and held it in her hands as if it was a treasure, before handing it to Snape.

“I don't think he was even an hour old,” she said, watching him gaze at the photo of Teddy cradled in her arms as he fed.

“He started metamorphosing that soon?”

Tonks nodded and smiled. “Mum told me I was the same. He still can't hold onto changes while he's asleep but I couldn't either until I was older.”

Snape seemed to consider Tonks’s words. She wondered if he was realising how Teddy naturally looked. If he recognised the black hair and dark eyes. Teddy wasn’t copying him, but showing him who he was.

“Remus was with you throughout?” he asked, quietly, handing back the photo.

Tonks nodded and put the photo back in the box with the others. “He barely left my side.” She put the box on the table and curled up again. 

“You don’t have to tell me more if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.”

She smiled. “It’s more if you don’t mind hearing all the details.”

He laughed softly, and she couldn’t stop herself from meeting his dark gaze. 

“You went through it all,” he said. “The least I can do is hear what happened.” 

She laughed, and had to force herself to stay where she was. He was here because of Teddy. They needed to talk. She couldn’t jeopardise this beginning.

“Your son was born during the worst blizzard of the winter,” she said.

He listened, and she marvelled at how his gaze didn’t drift from her. He didn’t flinch once, but searched her eyes and nodded from time to time. She had told no one all of what happened. His presence seemed to gently draw the details from her.

When she glanced at the clock, he said, “How long will Teddy nap for?”

“Another half hour or so.”

“I ought to let you have some time to yourself.”

“I, uh - ”

But he was already standing up and walking from the room. She followed him with quick steps to find him already putting his cloak on. 

“Thank you for sharing with me all that you have,” he said.

“Of course.” Why did it feel like a goodbye? “You’re welcome to visit any time. Severus - ”

“Yes, I’ve no doubt it would be easier here than at Rowan Cottage.”

“That’s not - ”

Then he was in front of her, leaning closer, his lips pressing to her cheek for the briefest moment before he stepped away and opened the front door. 

“Wait,” she said.

“Yes?”

“Tell me when you’ll be back.”

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “How about the same time next week?”

“Teddy would like that,” she said, and she chewed her lip.

He nodded, and she wondered what he was holding back from saying, but he turned and walked out of the cottage. She watched him open and close the garden gate. Walk through the wards, and Disapparate without looking back. She closed the door, sunk to the floor, and leant against the heavy wood. He was coming back, she told herself, as she pawed at her eyes. That was all that mattered. He was coming back.


	13. Chapter 13

**1999/2000 - winter**

There was a knock at the door and Tonks grabbed a cloth, wiping the flour from her hands as Teddy ran ahead of her. After quickly cleaning him up, she opened the door to find Harry doing his best to smile while a blizzard gusted around him. Tonks invited him in and Teddy ran the few steps to his godfather.

“Is it okay to visit?” said Harry, ruffling Teddy’s hair as he stepped inside. “I know, I mean, Ginny and I weren’t meant to be coming over until Boxing Day.”

“You’re always welcome, you know that.” 

Harry scooped up Teddy who tried to undo the fixings of Harry’s cloak the way he always did when he wanted people to stay. Tonks undid Harry’s cloak and took it from him as Teddy gave him a hug. 

“Harry?” she said, gently.

“Ginny kicked me out of the Burrow and told me to come here,” said Harry, a sad smile tugging at his lips. “She’s told Molly that I’m doing last minute shopping in Diagon Alley.”

“We’re making mince pies,” said Tonks, after a moment. 

“Pies,” agreed Teddy, seriously, as he tried to grab Harry’s wand.

“Yes,” said Tonks, smiling. “Teddy could use your help with the pastry.”

“I’d like that,” said Harry, managing to stuff his wand in his back pocket while wrangling Teddy.

Harry stood at the kitchen table with Teddy standing on a chair beside him. Tonks was zesting the last of the orange peel while Teddy and Harry played with the pastry. She kept glancing at them as the dough was scrunched up and patted down, flour covering them both while they made attempts at using the rolling pin. Teddy laughed and Tonks saw Harry’s smile come and go.

She brought the bowl of mincemeat over to the table along with the trays the small pies were to be baked in. She also brought over the rest of the dough which she had kept aside, suspecting Teddy might render useless what he was given. Fetching the pastry cutters from the counter, the three of them worked on slowly filling the trays with circles of dough and spoonfuls of mincemeat. Tonks couldn’t help but smile as Harry and Teddy worked together.

They were onto the second tray when Harry said, “I thought this year would be easier.”

“So did I,” said Tonks. 

“More!” said Teddy, leaning across the table and grabbing the spoon from the bowl with such force that mincemeat landed on the kitchen ceiling before dropping to the floor.

Tonks cleaned the mess with a flick of her wand, slipping the length of rowan back in her pocket as Harry helped Teddy to scoop the mincemeat gently into the pastry cases. 

Both Harry and Tonks kept their focus on the pastry and mincemeat as she slipped into telling the stories she had told Harry before. The ones which Remus and Sirius used to tell. 

The mince pies wouldn’t normally be decorated with such enthusiasm but adding shaped pieces of pastry to the top of each pie was their permission to stay at the table and talk about Remus and Sirius.

Once the mince pies were in the oven, and the table was cleared, Teddy wanted to draw. Tonks watched Harry doodling brooms and snitches which Teddy tried to copy. 

“How long until you need to be finished with your shopping trip?” asked Tonks.

Harry gave an empty laugh and glanced at the clock. “Not much longer.” He finished drawing a snitch and pushed the parchment towards Teddy. “Thanks for, you know, letting me be here.”

“Any time, Harry.”

“I - I just needed to be with - ”

“I know,” she said, quietly.

Harry nodded stiffly and Tonks got up to fetch biscuits and give him a moment to wipe his eyes. 

When it was time for Harry to return to the Burrow, Tonks held Teddy, and he ended up squished in a hug between Tonks and Harry.

“We’ll see you on Boxing Day,” said Tonks.

“Yeah,” said Harry, sniffing. Tonks rubbed his back and he rested his forehead against Teddy’s. “I miss them, Tonks.”

Their goodbye ended up on the floor of the hallway, Teddy on Tonks’s lap while she had an arm around Harry’s shoulders. There were no stories she could tell him. None which either of them wanted to hear. She managed to keep her tears from overwhelming her, and Harry pulled up his knees and kept his head down on his arms. Tonks conjured lights which bounced around them like fairies and kept Teddy distracted for a time. When Harry sat up, wiping his face with his sleeves, he leant against Tonks and stared at the wall until Teddy clambered onto his lap.

“Harry sad?” said Teddy.

Harry nodded. 

“You’re a wonderful godfather,” murmured Tonks, when she saw the guilt and panic taking over his features. “They’d both be proud of you.”

She squeezed Harry’s shoulder and pressed her lips to his mess of black hair.

“They’d both love Teddy,” whispered Harry, with a hiccoughing laugh as Teddy pawed at Harry’s glasses. 

“Can you imagine what Sirius would be like?” said Tonks. “Merlin, he’d be so proud of how well Teddy can already fly.”

“What position do you think he’ll play?”

They debated the possibilities of which position Teddy would play once he was at Hogwarts, there being no question that he would make it onto a team. Hufflepuff’s, Tonks said. Gryffindor’s, Harry persisted. And then they had one more hug, and Harry was stepping back out into the snow.

With Teddy on her hip, her arm around him as he snuggled in, Tonks hung the four stockings by the fireplace. Her fingers danced across the edges of the fabric. Soft and worn. New and old. Teddy babbled sleepily and she was unable to take her eyes from the two stockings which would still be empty in the morning. 

Once Teddy was asleep, Tonks stopped in the doorway of her room. She padded inside, going to the chest of drawers, and pulling on the handles. The clothes pushed aside, she saw the newspaper and two pieces of parchment. Her fingers brushed the notes. She already knew the handful of words by heart. There hadn’t been so much as a kiss since the morning after their night at Rowan Cottage. Instead there were stolen glances. Moments of wrangling Teddy where they brushed against each other. Hesitant touches as mugs of tea and coffee were handed over. Tonks pushed the clothes back into place. There were presents to wrap before they left to visit everyone in the morning. As she left the room, she glanced back. He would be visiting in the afternoon. Just the three of them for a fraction of Christmas Day. The tantalising idea of family. She rubbed her face. Whatever they had was fragile, and all for Teddy. 

Tonks took presents from the top of the cupboard in the living room and put them on the coffee table beside the wrapping paper and ribbon. She settled on the sofa near the fire and caught sight of the lone mince pie on a plate. She couldn’t remember the book she had been reading but she could remember the butterflies, which came in flurries like the blizzard raging outside, as she wondered if he would come. And then - then there had been the knock at the door. She glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. Three years. Three years since she put her book down, extinguished the lamps, let Snape in, and led him upstairs. 

“Enough,” she whispered.

Eyes closed, she took a deep breath, and let her hands linger on her belly before falling to her lap. While she wrapped presents and tied ribbons, she would glance up at the door, and soon gave up trying to ignore the memories. Wrapping paper. Ribbon. His hands on her. Maybe he was right. Nothing could come of it. She should have listened.

Too long after midnight, Tonks crawled into bed, only to get back out and take Remus’s robes from the back of the door. She hugged the bundle tight as she curled up, and for the first time in months, she didn’t fight herself as she fell apart.

Some time in the night, Teddy wandered through to the bedroom, dragging his quilt which matched hers. Tonks helped him up into the bed which was still just too high for him to climb. He cuddled into her, sound asleep again within moments. The golden snitch from Harry was tight in his grasp and Tonks adjusted their quilts and the blankets as well as Remus’s robes. Beneath her fingers, she could feel the difference between Remus’s robes and Sirius’s which made up the patchwork quilts. For a moment, she let herself give into the longing that Remus and Sirius could have known the war was won, that Harry, Teddy, and she had survived. Then she wondered what Sirius would have made of Teddy, and she let herself be taken by sleep with the thoughts of Remus taking Harry’s side and Sirius taking hers. Teddy was a Hufflepuff. She just knew it. 

When Tonks and Teddy returned to Lupin Cottage after spending Christmas morning with her parents, and visiting a few Order members, Teddy was easy to occupy with his new toys and Tonks curled up on the sofa with a mug of hot chocolate. Snape would be with them in a few hours and she tried to pretend the butterflies were just the effect of too many sweet Christmas treats.

Teddy sat between Snape and Tonks on the sofa, happily pointing at the illustrations which accompanied the story Snape was reading to him. She wasn’t surprised that Snape gave Teddy a book, but she was surprised it was one of Muggle fairy tales. 

Tonks was staring at the empty stockings hanging by the fire, and only half listening to Teddy telling Snape about the new dragon toys Charlie had given him, when she felt a warm hand slip around hers. She glanced at Snape. He stroked her hand with his thumb and asked Teddy a question about the dragons. Her grip tightened and she wiped her face with her other hand. After a few minutes she let go and left the room saying she would get drinks and snacks. Snape didn’t question how long she took in returning with the tray of mugs, a cup for Teddy, and a plate of mince pies and clementines. He thanked her and peeled a clementine for Teddy, then she excused herself, forgetting to say what she needed to get as she fled the room. When she came back he reached across the sofa and she grasped his hand while Teddy shared his clementine with several of his dragons. She sipped her tea and shot him a glance as her breathing settled. 

“Thank you,” she murmured.

He smiled gently and let her hand go when Teddy asked him to peel another clementine. The fire was roaring. The room was cosy. But his hand in hers had been a precious warmth all of its own.

Tonks drank the rest of her tea as she watched Teddy and Snape. She paid no heed to the clock. Just them. Talking, playing, reading. 

Teddy rested his head on Tonks’s shoulder as she rubbed his back and swayed gently while Snape pulled on his cloak. They hesitated by the front door. Neither quite sure what to say. It wasn’t an ordinary visit. A different kind of magic was in the air which neither could write off as being because of Christmas. 

“Severus - ”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad Teddy could spend time with you today.” She kissed Teddy’s cheek. “I know he doesn’t really understand Christmas but I - I’m still glad you were able to come over.”

“It’s been lovely to see him,” said Snape, quietly.

Teddy began to grouch, the tiredness overwhelming him after a day of Apparating and presents and play. Tonks couldn’t stop herself yawning, either.

“I think I need a nap, too,” she said, laughing.

The corner of Snape’s mouth pulled up in a smile. “I hope you both sleep well.”

“Thanks,” she said, as she opened the door. “Next week?”

He nodded, and then he was leaving. With Teddy grouching and the flurries of snow fighting to get into the cottage, she closed the door once Snape was outside, not waiting to see him Disapparate.

Tonks took Teddy upstairs, and didn’t bother with settling him in his bed, but took him through to hers. He was more asleep than awake by the time she was sorting the blankets. As she drifted off, her thoughts drifted towards Rowan Cottage.

Teddy was playing while Tonks tended to the garden, when Snape Apparated just beyond the wards. Teddy dropped his handfuls of snow and ran to Snape.

“Happy birthday, young man,” said Snape, picking up Teddy.

“Teddy two!” said Teddy, laughing. “Ty-ty presents!”

“Lots of owls brought presents this morning, not just Tyto,” said Tonks, walking up. She looked at Snape. “I’m beginning to think I should just have let Charlie give him a real dragon.”

“Where is he finding them?” said Snape.

Tonks shook her head and laughed. “Right.” She adjusted Teddy’s hat then glanced at Snape. “Ready for a walk?”

“Walk!” said Teddy, scrambling to get down. 

“Hands, hands, hands,” sang Teddy, as he reached for Tonks and Snape’s hands.

Tonks and Snape shot each other glances as Teddy led them towards the woods. He jumped in the snow, sending his cloak blustering around him, and kicked up small flurries. He talked and babbled, pausing when birdsong distracted him and when animals darted across the white landscape.

They came to a clearing in the woods and paused as Teddy shrugged his hands from Tonks and Snape. He tripped after a few feet but got up laughing, his cheeks rosy with the cold, snow sticking to his cloak and not a care in the world as he played. Tonks bit her lip when she saw Snape getting out his wand, curious to find out what entertainment he had in mind. Teddy squealed in delight as Snape conjured an animal out of the snow. A pure white badger scurried around Teddy, and Tonks laughed gently.

Snape glanced at Tonks as Teddy got to his feet and chased after the badger.

“You’re coming around to the idea then?” she asked, coyly.

A snake made of snow emerged around her feet. “You know nothing for certain until he’s Sorted.”

Tonks laughed. “I knew it,” she said, stepping closer. “You think he’s a Hufflepuff, too, don’t you?”

A distance between them which could have been closed if only - 

Teddy barrelled into them, the badger collapsing at their feet as Teddy reached with mitten covered hands to grab the snake, only to end up tumbling forward. Tonks and Snape helped Teddy up, brushing the snow off him and sorting out his cloak.

“Up,” said Teddy, holding his arms out.

Tonks picked up Teddy, and they walked back to the cottage, following the path they made when they walked into the woods. Tonks found herself soothing Teddy’s grouching by telling him what she could remember of Helga Hufflepuff and Salazar Slytherin. When she glanced at Snape, the corner of his mouth pulled up in a smile.

The breeze started to pick up bringing with it biting cold gusts of air which stirred up the snow and whipped around them. Tonks paused and tried to grab the hood of her cloak but Teddy kept wriggling whenever she moved her arms. Snape had come to a halt beside her, and he pulled her hood up, stopping to stroke Teddy’s cheek before reaching beneath his cloak and bringing out a gift wrapped in paper and ribbon. Teddy’s eyes lit up and he grabbed for the present.

“Happy birthday,” said Snape, smiling as Teddy grappled with the ribbon.

“You’ll come back with us?” asked Tonks.

“I wouldn’t want to interrupt nap time.”

“Yes. He’s going to go straight to sleep, I’m sure.”

“You look like you might,” he said, gently.

She wondered if he knew how bad her sleep became around Christmas and Teddy’s birthday. When the waves of grief were less that of a stream beneath her feet, than an ocean around her. 

She called his name when he started to walk away.

He looked back. “Yes?”

She bit her lip and adjusted her hold of Teddy. “Next week?”

He nodded, then he Disapparated.

Once they were back in Lupin Cottage, mittens and scarves off along with boots and cloaks, she took Teddy upstairs. He was still holding onto his present from Snape. Tonks sat beside Teddy on his bed and undid the ribbon, then Teddy tore the paper off and grabbed the book with delight. Tonks smiled and put the ribbon and paper on the floor.

Teddy pointed at the Muggle illustrations as Tonks read, until his eyes began to get heavier and he snuggled up with his golden snitch. When he was asleep, Tonks eased out of the bed and pulled the quilt up. She put the book on the shelf then padded through to her room. There was no point fighting the exhaustion, and she curled up with her quilt, letting sleep take her without argument. 

**2000 - spring**

Snape was working in the garden when Tonks and Teddy Apparated to Rowan Cottage. Tonks opened the gate and Teddy ran across the grass and dodged around plants, yelling his hello to Snape who called back a greeting. 

Tonks followed at a slower pace and smiled when she heard Teddy talking to Snape about the garden. She could identify most of the plants, and recognised many of them as being used in potions. 

“Hello,” she said, kneeling on the ground beside Snape.

Snape gave Teddy the choice of two trowels, and he grabbed one with such excitement that he toppled back. He laughed and started digging where he was, reaching out for the second trowel when he decided he needed both.

“Hello,” said Snape, turning to Tonks. 

She reached for the tray of seedlings and murmured an incantation over them, then began to ease them from the pots. Glancing at him, she caught his smirk then took a deep breath before meeting his dark gaze. Snape held out his hand. It was a moment before Tonks realised he was waiting for her to give him one of the seedlings. Though their hands were covered in dirt, she still felt the warmth of his touch and she lingered for a moment before pulling away.

“Tea or coffee?” asked Snape, as he took mugs out of the cupboard.

Tonks looked away from Teddy who was tearing apart a scone, his hands red with jam. “Oh, tea please.”

Her gaze flitted between father and son, seeing more of the similarities between them than ever before. When she heard the whistle of the kettle, a shiver ran down her spine. She felt as though she ought to be remembering something, but had instead only the vague notion of a memory and not the memory itself. Her mind drifted to Remus and she wondered what he would think of Teddy who had managed within minutes to get jam as far as his elbows. Remus always preferred raspberry, too. Teddy looked up from his plate, and he grinned before going back to the scone which was as much a plaything as a snack.

Her breath hitched and she ducked her head when Snape came up behind her and put his hands on her waist.

“Does Teddy know who his father is?” he asked.

No accusation, just a gentle query which she wanted to believe was anything other than what he was asking.

“He’s a Lupin,” she said, so softly, she wondered if Snape would hear her.

“I know,” he said, moving his hands around her, “and I don’t expect that to change.”

“We look at the photos.” She brought her hands up to rest on his. “Teddy knows I get sad, but he was only two months old when - ” Snape’s embrace tightened and she leant against him. She closed her eyes only to realise she needed to know where she was. “I didn’t know what was going to happen when I realised I was pregnant. It was weeks before - Remus guessed - I didn’t even need to tell him, he just, he - ” She watched Teddy and forced herself to smile when he looked at her. Remus had held Teddy. Read to him. Loved him. Now Teddy was two, and Remus wasn’t here.

“How far along were you when he found out?”

“Three months.”

He murmured her name, and when she closed her eyes all she felt was his hands on her belly and his body against hers. The edges of warring thoughts were around her, but for a moment there was just him holding her and the sound of Teddy making a mess.

“Teddy knows that I - with you - that I enjoy spending time with you.” 

Even with charms, removing all the jam took both Tonks and Snape crouching on the floor beside Teddy with their wands out while he jumped up and down and talked about the garden. 

“We need to go home,” said Tonks, looking at Teddy, as they stood by the front door.

“You can come back another day,” said Snape, crouching down. Teddy flung his arms around Snape in the way he only did with his favourite people. 

“More garden?” said Teddy.

“Yes,” said Snape, pulling the hood of Teddy’s cloak up. “More garden.” He glanced up at Tonks. “Perhaps your mother will even help.”

“Mama help!” said Teddy.

“Of course,” said Tonks, smiling.

Snape stood up and Tonks met his gaze. He leaned closer, his hand slipping beneath her cloak and around her waist.

“When do you think I might see you again?” he murmured by her ear.

She knew he would only ask once, and she rested her head against his. Teddy’s wellies smacked against the flagstones with each jump up and down. 

“Before long,” she said. “I promise.”

She closed the gate behind herself and Teddy, and Teddy’s wave goodbye was met with one in return.

“A short Apparition,” she said, as she lifted him up.

Teddy tried to say Apparition as Tonks looked at Snape and smiled. She held Teddy close and turned. They Apparated to Lupin Cottage, and as she followed Teddy through the garden, her thoughts kept straying back to Snape.


	14. Chapter 14

**2000 - summer**

Despite the late hour, the last golden fragments of sunset still lingered in Rowan Cottage. Tonks lay in Snape’s arms, her eyes half closed, basking in the heat of summer and his body against hers. The duvet was pushed down and every so often he would stroke her belly. The chattering of birds in the fields and woodland trickled in through the open window and kept them from total silence.

She sighed, trying not to give in to a yawn.

“How long can you stay?” he asked.

She stared at one of the wooden beams which crossed the ceiling. She was usually getting ready to leave by now or she had already left. Her heart began to race. A different thrill, this time of nerves, chasing through her body. She met his dark gaze, and as old memories collided with the warm touch of his hand on her belly, her fingers drifted down his arm and around his wrist.

“Until morning," she said.

Inch by inch, she guided him across her body. His hand brushed her breast, his lips found hers, and she eased herself onto her back. Once he was above her, she wrapped her legs around him, savouring every gentle touch. 

Night was falling, and she wondered how it had taken her so long to realise she was falling in - 

Her whimper pierced the dark, and her flicker of wondering was lost. She took his face in her hands, trying to keep her lips on his, even as he elicited deep moans from her.

He lifted his hand from her waist while she fidgeted again trying to find comfort in the bed which had been a place of ease for hours. He put his arm around her and murmured her name.

“It’s my first night away from Teddy,” she admitted, pushing herself up until she was sitting. She rubbed her face, huffed, and let her hands fall to her lap.

“Do you want to leave?”

“It’s me, Severus,” she said. “Teddy will be fine. Worst that will happen is he’ll have a burst of magic, and I'm fairly sure my parents can manage that.”

Snape laughed gently, and she glanced at him and smiled. The night sky was clear, and the gibbous moon gave more than enough light by which to find his dark gaze. 

“You metamorphosed?” He stroked her back, her body an atlas of the curses she endured, his fingers tracing individual scars.

She could remember by the patterns he followed which curses had scarred her, which curses he healed. She could remember writhing, kicking, crying. And his hands on her body. The kind and gentle touch. Light and Dark Magic. His lips on hers. Not softly spoken incantations but promises of pleasure.

“All the sex might have something to do with that,” she said, quietly.

She was finding it easier than ever to come back to herself when she was with him. She looked at the scars on her arms and legs, scars which hadn’t been there when she undressed, and rubbed at one on her thigh as if it might come off. 

“Thank you,” he said.

“For what?” she asked, and the scars faded until they were hidden again beneath the practiced veneer. 

“For letting me see you.”

“I always have, I mean, since - ” She sighed. “People have a habit of questioning my scars even when I have metamorphosed. Except for you.”

“I questioned them all the time.”

“Only when you were healing me.” She looked out across the top of the woodland where the trees met the dark sky. “It was always different when you asked.”

When she lay back down he pressed his lips to her hair and she closed her eyes. He traced the hidden paths of curses across her body with a gentle touch, and she felt him pause as she let her guard down and the scars returned beneath his fingertips. She pulled the duvet up over them and he held her close. 

She would metamorphose before she left in the morning. But for the night, she was tired. For once, she wasn’t going to hold onto all the changes, and instead she let herself be held by him while she was lulled to sleep by his steady heart beat. 

Tonks squinted, bright sunlight flooding around her, and she turned her head towards the pillow. Something was different. She fumbled and sat up, her gaze darting around the room as the night before found its way back to her. Rowan Cottage. She was at Rowan Cottage. Where she had spent the night, and where she was alone in bed.

She got up, drew the curtains back and opened the windows which had been closed some time in the night, before returning to bed. Curling up with the duvet, she listened to the birds singing while a gentle breeze made its way through the room. She was watching birds fly above the woodland when she heard the soft creak of the stairs. Snape came in with two mugs, twirls of steam rising above them. She tried not to focus on the pyjama bottoms slung low on his hips and instead sat up and thanked him for the tea he handed her. He put his mug down on the bedside table and got back into bed. 

Cradling the hot mug in her hands, she stared at the tea as if she might divine some truth from it. She huffed and swore, managing to both love and hate how clearly she could recall Remus’s voice.

“There’s forgetting and there’s dreaming.”

“Tonks?” 

She managed to put the mug on the bedside table without any tea spilling over the edges.

“I never sleep this late,” she said. 

"No, I’m sure you don’t, but that wasn’t what you were talking about."

He put his arm around her and she turned towards him. She traced his Dark Mark with her fingertips then slowly she raised her head until she met his gaze. He pushed her hair from her face, and she searched his eyes. Those same dark eyes. Throughout everything, it had always been him. Always.

“I want to be a proper family,” she blurted out. “We have Teddy, and I love - I love that you’re getting to know each other but you and I kind of skipped the relationship part which usually comes first and I - I want it.” 

His hand was on her cheek, his thumb brushing her soft skin. 

“Severus?”

“I didn’t know if you wanted it, too.”

**2000 - autumn**

When Harry and Ginny came to visit with their brooms in tow, Teddy had been quick to try and grab his Firebolt. Tonks managed to stop him for long enough to get dressed to go outside, then he was running towards the garden and mounting his broom.

The snitch waited patiently for Teddy to get closer before flying off again. Harry and Ginny no longer needed to hold onto the broom or Teddy, but flew alongside him, weaving paths through the garden of Lupin Cottage as they followed the Junior Training Snitch which never went more than six feet above the ground. And which was four feet higher than Tonks could stomach.

Harry was grinning as Ginny explained flying tactics to Teddy, her broom rising and falling as she showed Teddy a different way to maneuver through the air. Tonks leant against Snape who had his arms around her. They watched the three flyers from near the front door of the cottage, cloaks on to ward against the chill which had swept in eagerly with autumn’s arrival. 

“And Lupin catches the snitch!” yelled Ginny, punching the air. Teddy copied her, the snitch tight in his grasp.

Harry laughed and gave Teddy a high five. Ginny reset the Training Snitch with a charm, and then the trio were off again around the garden. Tonks turned in Snape’s arms when the flyers headed towards the edges of the garden, their toes skimming the tops of the shrubs and plants as they followed the snitch on its new path. 

Tonks took a great heaving breath as she buried her face in Snape’s cloak, and he stroked her back. 

“Just give me a minute,” she said, her voice tight. She knew she could excuse herself to go indoors. Make hot drinks, send an owl, find a heavier cloak. But she wanted to be with Snape and watch Teddy, too.

“You’re still allowed to miss them,” he said, quietly.

“It hurts,” she croaked.

There was another shout of surprised delight from the other end of the garden, and Snape held Tonks close as they watched Teddy, Harry, and Ginny laughing and celebrating.

**2000/2001 - winter**

Tonks was woken by Teddy grabbing her arm as he tried to climb into the bed. She helped him up, wincing as he clambered over her. The bedroom was dark but for the glow from the smouldering fire. Tonks moved as Teddy continued to try and find comfort amongst the pillows where she had been a moment before.

“Presents?” said Teddy.

“Not yet,” said Tonks, nudging Teddy in a futile attempt to get him to lie down.

“Papa?” said Teddy.

“Still nighttime,” said Snape, sleepily. 

“Want presents,” said Teddy.

“Mama and papa want sleep,” said Tonks, yawning.

“Presents,” said Teddy, in what was quickly becoming a whine. 

“Come here,” said Snape.

Teddy lay down and rested his head on Snape’s arm. The fabric was worn in patches, and the golden threads beginning to fade, but still Teddy slept with the snitch held close every night and he snuggled up with it beside his father.

“Presents?” said Teddy, yawning.

Tonks shimmied closer and kissed Teddy’s hair. Snape lifted his arm from Teddy, and rested his hand on Tonks’s waist. She slipped one of her legs between his.

“In the morning,” said Tonks. 

Teddy huffed but Tonks could hear he was close to sleep again. She stroked his back, then readjusted the blankets.

“Presents,” mumbled Teddy.

Tonks quietly reminded Teddy of everything planned for Christmas Day, going through the visits to make, the people they would be seeing, and the presents which would be waiting for him come morning. Her soft words lulled him back to sleep and still she found herself talking until Snape nudged her waist. There was just enough light to see the glint in his dark eyes and the smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. Tonks glanced at Teddy then eased herself up onto her elbow and leaned across him to kiss Snape before sinking back against the pillows. He reached up and stroked her cheek.

“Happy Christmas,” she whispered.

“Happy Christmas,” he murmured. 

Tonks glanced out at the bright blue skies before going to the chest of drawers. A handful of presents had been opened, with stockings being left for after their walk, and she needed to find a warmer top.

“Mama walk!” yelled Teddy, from downstairs.

“We’ll wait in the garden,” called Snape, a moment later.

“I won’t be long,” she called back, and she heard Teddy and Snape talking as the front door opened and closed.

She changed her top and was about to shut the drawer when she saw the edges of parchment and the Daily Prophet. She pushed the clothes aside and picked up the notes and photo. She didn’t understand how the paper could have changed when all it had done was lie in a drawer but it seemed somehow thinner and more fragile.

She shut the drawer and walked over to the fireplace.

Tonks looked at the mantelpiece. In a new frame there was a photo of her, Teddy, and Snape together. Father and son caught mid-conversation while she looked on. Then her gaze drifted to the other photos, and she watched Remus smiling at Teddy. Remus and Sirius in each other's embrace. Sirius twirling Remus around. She watched them kiss then glance back and smile. She thought of the five stockings which hung by the fireplace. Two of the stockings were empty and always would be, and three were full of presents. 

“Enough,” she said, and she put the pieces of paper in the fire.

Teddy, Tonks, and Snape were in the woods when Tyto and Bramble joined them as they returned from a night of hunting. The owls sat on a nearby branch as Teddy wielded a twig like a wand. Tonks leant against Snape, and he put his arm around her shoulders. From the snow, he conjured a badger and a snake which ran and slithered around Teddy whose laughter echoed through the woods.

Hand in hand, Tonks and Snape followed Teddy back through the woodland and fields to Lupin Cottage, to their first proper Christmas as a family.


End file.
